seeing the other side of the fence

What do you know?

I spent the whole afternoon asleep rather than studying org chem and practicing for tap dance like I said I would. Way to go for being productive. Not that I minded, though. I clearly could use more of those kind of naps. Sleep. I've really taken you for granted way back when I was younger and yes, I somehow regretted not listening to Mom and Grandma's advice. If only I slept back then the way I slept now, I would have been able to score much height. 

BUT THAT ISN'T WHY I AM WRITING TODAY.

You see, I met Jason Haw yesterday! :)

YES. 

I MET JASON HAW! :))))))

Okay. Background check:

Jason Haw was last year's Health Sciences Society's, my home organization's, president. He is brilliant (yes, just like any Health Sciences major is :P). Well, he is more than that to us actually. He is THE Jason Haw. He is the one we turn to when Org Chem spells disaster. He can answer almost anything you ask him about, may it be math, physiology, love, name it. He is always ready to give you a piece of his mind. Through his words and actions, you can always hear his love for public health. Clearly, through his magnificent transcript, he could get into any med school he preferred and right he did with a scholarship anyone can dream of (Well, I do.) He belonged to Ateneo School of Medicine and Public Health's Batch 2019. And you read that right. Past tense. Why? He dropped out. 

There you go. One night I read on Twitter that he was coming over and was open for individual consultations (IC). Luckily, he still had some time to meet me. :) I really wanted to know of his perspective because as far  as  my block goes, almost everyone is set out to go for med school. Well, me? I was wondering if I could do something else. I was hoping if I could do other stuff than prescribe the right medicine to cure the ill. Not that I do not want that kind of life. I've always wanted to become a doctor. (That was after I wanted to be a cashier, beauty queen, actress or a teacher but you know how we are as kids. Always undecided.)

After seeing partly how the public health situation in our country, after hearing stories of what can still be done, I thought maybe there are other ways I can serve than being a clinician. 

He talked. I listened. I told him of what I thought. He gave me a reassuring smile and said,

"You know what's the good thing and bad thing in our country's public health system? You've seen it. You've heard about it. We've still got a long way to go. Out there, basically, it's just like getting in a swamp. You know that there is so much to do and that is something we could all both be happy and distressed about. You see my point? All you have to do is get out there and apply what you learn. Our course, it provides you with almost everything you need. What you need to have is courage. You need to have the heart to take the risk. In the end, it would still be your choice. Don't worry, Ella. You still have two and half years to decide and I do hope you choose well."

Yes, I still have a long way to go and I do hope, in the end, I choose what makes me happy just as Jason did with his own. :)

expectations and surprises

I can finally breathe.

Well, somehow actually. 

I managed to survive today's second long test in Zoology and midterm exam in History. Supposedly, I only have one test today but since our professor moved our history midterms, I had no choice but to study Chinese dynasties and Japanese eras once more. Well, I didn't know we were having the long test for Zoology this week so I barely studied for it over the long weekend in which I had the much awaited date with worms, carbocations and the Mandate of Heaven. (Much for missing out the last weekend's staff training for the Summit. *tears*)

Oh well.

There is no turning back. My bags under my eyes are getting heavier each day and what else there is to do? This is the life and it would only get better (or worse) once I choose to go for med school *fingers crossed. Surprisingly, I was able to pull myself together and leave the bed just to go to class. How could I miss the test? With a few hours' worth of sleep and few last looks over the hand-written notes from the night before, I sought for the best.

I would never understand our Zoology professor. Her last exam was to die for that's why I did try to memorize everything posted on her slides albeit she never discussed most of them. Who could have ever guessed her next move?

"Class, today's examination will be open-notes! You can take a look at the notes you've taken in MY class. If you printed them out, then good for you! Just no iPads, iPhones, and the like! And did I mention, today you will also be working in groups? Okay. Good luck!"

Wow. So much for studying all night long, praying to God I won't fall asleep and miss anything from her four presentations, with slides ranging from 20 to 72. So much for going through notes all over, again and again. So much for cutting tap dance. So much for preparing so much that I actually left history on one corner saying to myself that I needed an A in this test.

What do you know? The test was mainly essay writing. Pick 4 out of the 6 questions. Explain. Argue thoroughly. Mention the marvels of the world.

Ugh.

As for history, my next and last period for the day, UGH again. I did not make a complete fool of myself. I actually managed to answer most of the questions. However, I must pinch myself for missing out on the details about Japan (my fault since I actually studied more for China huhuhu bad decision ever) and a few terms that are on the tip of the tongue (or the pen, to be more precise) but I couldn't manage to write down. I did go over my notes, knowing that this was how my professor gives out tests. (Thank you for the heads-up, upperclassman friends! )So much for studying the whole long weekend.

Parang pag-ibig. (It can be comparable to love.)

No matter how hard you prepare for it, no matter how many times you hear and witness it, nothing can ever compare to the real thing. It can take you aback, completely messing up with the notions you created so long ago. It can be exactly what you expected but still you would be left biting the dust as there is no way you can be prepared for the laughter and the tears. Still, it was something you would always look back to. It was something worth keeping. It was something worth the risk.



Oh well. Going back to the post lab, I promise.

Theo orals #1

I JUST FINISHED MY FIRST EVER THEO ORALS AND YES I MIGHT SEEM TO BE SHOUTING BUT JUST BECAUSE I AM SO GLAD IT WAS ALL OVER! :)))))))

I literally just got over my Th121 midterms and believe me, I am typing this as soon as I got my hands on the laptop with a working internet connection. Oh bear with me, dear Reader, might you be new to this blog since Blogger led you here or have been reading this already for some time now, redirected to my hugot and sawi late-night thoughts through my Facebook or Twitter feed.

But this isn't about getting those vibes again. This is about pure happiness on ticking one thing off that imaginary checklist (imaginary as I never got hold of the habit of writing it all down). Thank You, Lord, for waking me up just in time! You see, I basically pulled off another all-nighter to study for all those thesis statements. Believe me, I wasn't planning to but I fell asleep as soon as I got back from my last class the day before and woke up substantially 6 hours later. What choice do I have? I've managed from an overload of information (who wouldn't from cramming almost 8 weeks' worth of lecture?) but thank goodness I did remember some (and luckily, those were the important and relevant ones, too!) of the much needed information.

Donning a dress (yes, I might as well present myself nicely if I was going to fail) and clutching my laptop, I arrived at the department 30 minutes of my scheduled slot. Nevertheless, I knew I needed that time to compose myself. Still, who was I kidding? I was still jittery once I entered my professor's office. She asked me to pick a number and believe me, I was that near to shouting for joy when I thought I got statement #9. Wrong. It was a six and boy, those were ones I didn't really manage to internalize more. 

I buckled. I prattled. I had my own set of long, awkward pauses. Nevertheless, I think I explained what was needed. :)

"Well, Ella. I'll see you next week. Enjoy your holiday," quipped my professor as I managed to get through those ten minutes. She said so dearly with a smile and really,I thought, thank the heavens for Dr. Lambino. :)

I might not get an A but oh dear Lord, please let me get through a B, at least. :)))))

when it's time to let go

Sometimes, you love someone too much that not even reality can make you change your mind. Sometimes, even though the truth is hitting you right across the eye, it won't matter. You wouldn't listen. You wouldn't budge. What you hear, what you see, what you know wouldn't make a difference. Yours is a love true and firm. This person means the world to you and you would do everything in your power to be in your well-defined reality forever.

But what if it really wasn't meant to be?

You are hurting and everyone knows that. Yes, your heart is breaking, crushed into thousand little pieces. People have been talking about you. Their words pierce right through you. But you wouldn't. You just couldn't. 

How could you? It is her smile that brightens a day full of disappointments. It is one text from her that makes feel better. It is her concern that warms your heart. Those simple, random "Uy, kumain ka na ba?" and "Good night!" cannot fail to erase a frown on your face. When everything simply goes out of bound, one call from her assures you that it would all soon fall back into place.

Still, you cannot deny that it is all the same. The truth changed that and there is no turning back. Yes, yours might be a love without compare but right now isn't the right time. It isn't easy. It never is. It hurts but it would hurt more to stay.

You see, it takes a great deal of bravery to love but it takes more courage to let go and end the story. Nevertheless, time will heal the wounds. Time will take back all those broken pieces and make yourself whole again for another attempt to give, to share, to love. 

"Hindi sapat ang feelings"

It's another Monday for me and thank the heavens I got through it with a smile! :) My Mondays usually start at 12:30 but then, we had this social analysis discourse for NSTP so I had no choice but to leave the warm comfort of the bed. Oh well. It turned out to be a very disturbing and inspiring activity so it was not much of a big deal. (But this post isn't about NSTP nor about my area. I shall talk more about that soon but not now. Not in this post :) )

Since there was no point of heading back under the covers once more (the SAD (that's the acronym I made to pertain for the activity :P) ended at around 10 am and the sun was really out and about. I couldn't possibly regain the desire for sleep.), I decided to stay at the SEC C Foyer. You see, my cousin has headed this fund-raising project for the benefit of the kids in GK Cox. The project aims to raise sufficient amount of money to buy the kids books and other school supplies that would help supplement their education. Just in case you are an Atenean, feel free to drop by YFC-A's A+ Gallery and pledge any amount for the kids! :) 

Anyway, I promised my cousin I'd be supporting his project so it turned out I was spending most of my breaks in the foyer. Not that it was a chore. In fact, it was actually really fun and interesting especially when my Tatay (that's Kuya Ken Lee!) and Ate KD start talking about all these profound thoughts on love and their experiences regarding about such matters. :)

It was actually during one of my afternoon breaks when the conversation really started to get on the serious side. (Well, we were merely making up all these sawi stuff before and they were really just meant for fun) You see, Kuya Ken is in some kind of dilemma. Yes, it is some sort of romantic dilemma and he was asking for my cousin and my cousin's best friend for advice. It might seem weird why I know about this but you see, Kuya Ken asked me to listen throughout their conversation. I actually just sat there and listened. (I was actually live tweeting this a while ago and boom! A light bulb appeared right beside my right side brain! Yaay for another attempt on writing!) 

So basically, Kuya Ken said, 

 Natatakot ako. Alam kong feelings lang ang nagpapatakbo sa amin as of the moment. Paano na kung mawala ang feelings?

In which Kuya Abe replied with,

Sa pag-ibig, hindi sapat ang feelings. Commitment, pare. At isang choice yun! Yun ang nagpapatakbo sa relasyon. Kung wala yun, e di GG, pare. Pag nawala ang lahat, lahat ng feelings, yun, pare. Yun yung masakit. 

AND I WAS JUST RIGHT THERE BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM LISTENING WITH ALL THESE IN MIND.

In a relationship, feelings matter. Feelings take you on that roller coaster ride of kilig and blush-worthy moments. However, feelings can only take you that far. I have to side with Kuya Abe and yes, it is commitment that pushes you to take it on another level. It is what would keep you grounded when everything is in complete disarray and you no longer know where to start over. It is this thread that would help you trace what was lost from an round of raised voices just because of those little disappointments. It is what makes you stay after the long, rough, and bumpy roads. Most of all, it is what shall keep you going.

However, commitment is a choice. No one can ever make that leap for another even if that one is the one that holds your heart. She must be the one to take the risk, to say "Yes," and to face the fact that she has become vulnerable to pain. After all, I quote my cousin in this matter, "How shall you love when you don't open yourself to pain?"

 

doors and hearts

  Today was quite one of the ordinary. I slept with Org Chem in mind and woke up to find it greeting me from my bedside table. The day was filled with submission of papers and problem sets (which was later moved to Monday much to the dismay of my tired hands and drowsy eyes). Nevertheless, it's Friday and one could never frown upon its much-awaited arrival.

  Tired but happy from a day full of acads and org work, I got back in the safe haven of the dormitory, only to found out I was the first one to arrive. The door was locked and thank the heavens, the key was still with me. (You see, unfortunately, I have recently acquired that unfortunate habit of losing most of the important stuff.) Soon, one by one, my roommates started to arrive and the room was filled of the usual chitchat on classes, crushes, and those other moments one couldn't just keep to herself. 

  It might be a simple and usual scenario especially among dormers. Still, it took me a while to realize how doors are somehow similar to our hearts. Just like the one to my room as I mentioned a while ago, it can be opened with the help of the perfect key or it can remain closed, refusing to let anyone in. Sometimes, it only takes a gentle hand to coax it out. Other times, it can stay firm on its decision on never admitting anyone. Some might be painted in all those dashing colors of pastel pink, blue or yellow, as if trying to call the attention upon itself. Then, there are others which prefer the solitude, only acknowledging a presence once it tries to knock on the surface. Still, some can be easily opened while others need some time before finally taking the chance to let someone in.

  Doors are like hearts. In the end, you have the key. You have the option of taking and turning that knob. In the end, you have the choice of letting someone enter and make a difference in your life. 

  

relationships

1. I don't think there is such a thing as forever. Everything has its limits. Human as we are, there will come a point where the kilig, the mindless daydreaming, and the constant catching up end. Feelings are never constant. They are changing each time, in forms and depth. Still, loving is a choice. Forever is a choice. When the feelings wane, what makes you stay? 
2. In a relationship, one always loves while the other loves more. That's why it hurts. You open yourself to the possibility wherein you are the one that occupies the lower part of the seesaw. It might never be equal but still you took a chance. In the end, what matters is what was shared, not what was only given and received.
3. Love can hurt. It can be painful as you become more vulnerable when you give a part of yourself to somebody else. It is a risk that everyone who loves is willing to take. Still, it isn't the whole reality of love that hurts. It is the outright "No, after gathering the courage to confess, the break-up over a single phone call (or worse, a text message), the relentless hoping that a friendship might bloom to something more, the sight of that special someone in the arms of somebody else, the truth that you were just played along, the bitter loss of communication. It's all that. That's what hurts and honestly, that wasn't love. They were only parts of it but that was never love alone.
4. It takes time. There is no need to rush. It will come and when it does, it will knock on your doorstep.
5. When it does, take time to listen. It doesn't always come with a bang. Sometimes, it can only be as faint as the drizzle. That's why it's easy to miss it.
6. One can never love unless one can love himself first. After all, how can you give something that wasn't yours before?

the closed door

hi ella :)

  It was just that. Simple. Two words. A smiley. From an unknown number. 

  It was enough to trouble me. How on earth did this happen? My mind was trying to single out any person who could ever text in the middle of the night just to say hi. I found nothing. What I had in mind though were the reasons why this should not have happened:

• I don't give out my number to random passersby. In fact, I always have second thoughts whenever I share my contact details. 
• "What do you want?" - I wanted to reply but lo, I had no load to pester this unknown number for his/her identity. What made him/her text me anyway? I find no logical reason.
• I am simply me. Ordinary. Plain. Average on the current societal standards I am in. No reason to flirt (if it were exactly that) with me ever. 
• just a plain, big "WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY?"
• and of course, "WHO ON EARTH ARE YOU?"

   Incessantly curious I was, I waited till the end of the camp just so I could text this sender back. The stranger called some time but I never answered. S/he could always introduce him/herself through the more efficient and less expensive method: texting. After all, s/he started it. 

  

  Me: "hello. sino po ito?" ("hello, may I know who is this?")

  Number: ....

  Me: "hellooooo (?) how did you get my number? sino ito please?"

The reply only contained one letter, enough for me to find the answer to my mystery.

The stranger was no stranger, after all. He used to be a friend. Yes, used to be. We used to see each other a lot of times on campus. It was a small university compared to others, after all. Bumping into each other on the red brick road, we'd smiled even from afar. There were times he'd asked me to eat lunch or dinner together and of course, I'd say yes. We were friends. There was nothing more to it.

Well, that was what I thought.

Before, he used to joke around and proclaim he had a crush on me. Of course, I set it aside. There could nothing be between us. I only liked him as a friend and besides, being in a relationship is far from my list of priorities. At first I thought it was only because many people were already shipping us. 

It then turned out to be true.

He confessed and told me what he really felt for me. It was a sweet gesture nonetheless. Who would never appreciate being appreciated anyway? His words were, "I don't care if you don't like me back. All i know is that, I'll always like you no matter what. You annoy me sometimes but I'd rather spend every irritating moment with you rather than living a day without you." I tried to talk sense out of him but clearly it wasn't doing anything. I rejected him a lot of times on his face but he was persistent. I still have his letters and the mixtape he gave me for my birthday but no, I still didn't like him that way. What could I ever do to make it stop?

There was no other choice but to cut off all connections from him. I never replied to any of his text messages and I didn't respond to his calls. I deleted his number (thank the heavens I did not memorize his) and refused to see his posts on any form of social media. 

At first, the messages kept on coming. He kept calling.

And then, it all stopped. 

I thought that was the end but then here he goes again, knocking on the closed door. I try to be polite but I can't. I don't think I can. 

After all, I don't want to open it anymore. 

the lifeline

You know how I've been. If you have been dropping by my blog lately, you'd know how stressed I am with Org Chem, how I worry about not getting past that QPI, how I am not being on my best self. My past posts haven't been quite a ray of sunshine I hoped to be. Oh dear heavens, you know (well, most people do) that I'm never the kind of girl who sulks and grumbles. Still, I don't know. Maybe it was just the schoolwork. Maybe it was just not seeing the results I wanted. Nevertheless, I knew I needed a break. 

And luckily, I found one.

Chelsea (and okay, Kuya Lorenz, too) has been bugging me to join this camp. I was hesitant, of course. How could I go somewhere on a weekend when I know that I needed the time to catch up with the lessons? I've been lagging behind. Oh, heaven knows how I am faring with Org Chem. 

Yet, I found myself signing up for the camp. Maybe it was because of Chelsea and Kuya's persistence. It amazes me how I still went ahead with the decision, knowing that my other blockmates won't be there.  I might be an extrovert but I fear solitude as well. 

It turned out to be such an amazing experience. In such a short span of time, I've listened to such wonderful stories. I've known so many new faces, heard their stories, and connected with them. Most of all, I've reconnected with Him, the one I haven't been paying attention to for some time already.

My heart listened. My mind wandered and realized so many things I think I cannot express and put all into writing. It would take me forever but allow me to share a few. 

• Despite everything, He would always be there. He is in the good and the bad, the laughter and the tears, the hellos and goodbyes, and even in the shades of gray. Still, sometimes, we question where He could be, especially when things don't go along what we expect them to be. It can take time. It can take some effort but eventually, you will see where He is staying all along and you will realize you weren't looking thoroughly enough.
• Who said being with Him is easy? It takes commitment and that alone is something that is never easy. Why? Well, being committed to something or someone entails one to become vulnerable. You give you word. You put all your efforts for the thing you are truly dedicated to. In doing so, you give out a part of yourself in your words, deeds, and time. Commitment is such a heavy task and it's no wonder most of us are afraid to say yes. Still, allow yourself to explore, to wander, and to discover. Maybe, just maybe, you shall find what it is you are ready to give up the world for.
• Time is limited. Always offer the world the best version of yourself. You never know when it will be your end.
• We live in search for our happiness. It might take a while. It might take you on a journey of crossroads and a dozen of setbacks. The roads are never easy. Still, in the end, you shall be the one to discover your true happiness. 

It was a weekend well spent. :) Indeed, thank you YFC-Ateneo for the wonderful experience. I shan't say more. I do not want to spoil the next set of campers of their fair share of realizations and experience. 

Well, what a way to kickstart my August! I must say, it is a choice I never and will never regret making :)