Thursday, February 27, 2014

too much hassle for this week

Who ever said college will be a breeze has a messed-up definition of simple and carefree. I've got a paper due tomorrow but guess what, I'm here again, in my blog, writing about the most random thoughts ever. Isn't that what my blog is for anyway? Why am I here then fiddling around with time as if it would stop just so I can finish this writing assignment?


   I ran out of ideas.

   I never knew when I stopped being paranoid once I looked at the clock with its face reading 10 pm, knowing that I've still got loads of stuff to ramble about. It's college. 10 pm is still too early to panic. I've grown accustomed to cramming essays that usually took me days and sometimes even weeks to write.

    THIS. IS. BAD.

    Oh well, I've got to work this fil paper. When did Filipino grow so complicated?! Don't judge me. I have great love for my country but but but . . .

    I THINK I'M FAILING FIL. I don't seem to meet my professor's expectations. I have nothing against him. He's such an amazing, brilliant writer who wittingly scrutinizes every single detail. Who knew such simple color scheme and petty choice of words can mean so much? Yes, he's cool, poetic and all that but I cannot be what he wants me to be. I feel terrible. I feel that my knack for writing suddenly left me hanging along the shadows. When will I ever finish these two papers? One's due tomorrow (Oh dear Lord. I need divine intervention.) while the other one's creeping to surprise me in two weeks' time. (Is that still even considered a surprise?)

    BUT NO. This shouldn't define me. Of course I can do this! I survived the first sem, didn't I? I'll get pass through this too. Wooh. Can luck take me somewhere far off this time?

    Oh gods. I wish. 

Monday, February 17, 2014

the first time love bug took its aim

This was a writing assignment for En 12. 
"Tell me about your first crush."

   I always thought I matured earlier than my peers. While they were busy playing hide-and-seek, there I was in a corner, nose stuck in a book I recently borrowed from the library.  While they were under the heat of the sun, I sat down, preferring to talk with others who would pay attention. My friends tease me for having “no childhood.” It wasn't like that. I’d rather be with my books than chase others in the field. I found better company and the much needed solace in them than with pesky little boys and girls.

    My ideas were different that theirs, as well. I was nine when I began thinking about the notion of love. Maybe because my grandmother was a big fan of mushy telenovelas which feature a boy and a girl ending up together. Maybe it was because of too much reading and having lived in fictional worlds. Maybe because I grew up hearing fairy tales and watching them onscreen.   There’s always that promise of a happy-ever-after, a world where true love goes without bounds. No, I wasn't a girl who dreamt of a knight in shining armor appearing on the doorstep who will eventually sweep her feet off the ground. Well, maybe somehow I was. However, I knew it wasn't time yet. I was far too young.  Still, the thought was exciting, something that made me look forward to growing up.
    All the boys in my class never appealed to me. It seemed funny that almost all of them had a crush on me all because I was the new one. I was the unfamiliar face in the well-known terrain. Still, I never liked anyone.  They were just too naughty, too silly, too caught up in their own little worlds full of cartoons and matchbox cars.
   Then there he was. We always belong to same homeroom class except for one. Almost all of our teachers were rooting for the two of us. They all thought our pair would last. I believed so, too.
   Having a crush on him was something I never intended. I never liked him in the beginning. He was arrogant, slick, rich boy who doesn't seem to even speak Filipino. I had to endure him all year during second grade as we always belong to the same group.  Then, as luck would have it, I was assigned to sit next to him in third grade. However, to my surprise, he was no longer the proud one. Most of the time, he kept quiet and doodled all day long. His hair would cover his eyes as he did his work but that didn't bother him. His desk was always a mess, always cluttered with crumpled pieces of paper filled with random sketches.  I didn't mind that we were not in speaking terms. Most of our conversations only happen because we had to exchange and check each other’s papers. Still, it seemed that wherever I go, he was there.
   Then, out of the blue, one classmate blurted out that he had a crush on me and that was why he always seemed uneasy when I was around. If it weren't for this, I would have never seen him in a new light. That was why he even cleaned the classroom on Tuesdays although he was assigned to do so only on Mondays. That was why he always sat close during assemblies. That was why he couldn't talk to me as coolly as the other boys did.
   He was my first real crush, the one that remained with me through the years. He was behind all the short, tactful notes passed in secret, the clich├ęd code names that made everyone curious and guessing and the playful shoves and banters made by classmates and friends. He was the partner in default in many contests, class plays and Valentines. Thoughtful in ways other cannot see, he always remembered to call on my birthday when everyone was busy with their summers.He had a talent with words.  I still have all his letters with me. Looking back, it was only through them he got the courage of talking to me. 

What we had spanned for almost four years. I never understood what actually happened but maybe we just grew up. We just found someone else that caught our fancy. Although there has been no “us” for a long time, people still remember when we were together, impishly hinting we could give it another try. But no, we both moved on and accepted that we could be friends for now. Who knows what the future will bring?

Having a crush made me understand how it feels to like someone. It motivated to do better as I wanted to be someone he’d be proud of. Having a crush felt like pushing myself to a standard, that I shouldn't settle for what was expected, that I could be better if only I tried harder. 

However, it also made me realize that I was so caught up with the idea of love, that mine was a very narrow perception based on accounts not really my own. I realized that it was too early for commitment. It will come someday and I’ll be ready. I’ll be grown up and time will let me develop that ripe understanding on what love truly stands for. 

It had been long since then. Still, I treasure those memories: the kilig vibes whenever he comes near, the wondering whenever he goes absent without notice, the folded pieces of paper with random conversations and the total devotion without a tint of reality. After all, he was just a crush. No more, no less. Still, he is a part of my past that would always be worth remembering. 


Friday, February 14, 2014

how the day of hearts turned out :)

There isn't much to tell. :)

   It was a regular Friday for me. No special someone obligated to deliver flowers or chocolates. no secret admirer to send mysterious love notes to be fussed about. Not that I am complaining. I guess I've figured that Valentines is not just a day for celebrating romance but friendship as well. :) Just to get into the season, I've sent my own "love notes" too. They weren't much but my deepest thoughts were drawn into each of them. 

Enzo just couldn't let this go without being documented. :P
It just makes me happy seeing my friends smile upon seeing the simple surprise. 

   We never expected anything more. The day went on as usual, with us going in Chem Lab for another 4-hour experiment. At first, we haven't noticed anything strange. They were only girls in the classroom which was unusual since most of the boys from our block get in class way earlier than I do.  Everything went as usual. Having impromptu photo booth sessions was part of the block's tradition so we might as well have one during the most anticipated day of the month.

This is what happens when you have your phone or tablet with you in class.
    We were all just kidding around, not even hearing the second bell ring. It was not until our professor asked that we paid attention to what were missing. The boys weren't around, even Edric, our block representative, who reacts frantically upon hearing the school bell. Well, we knew something was amiss. Sir Kurt even had his phone out, seemingly ready to capture the next few moments.

     Apparently, the boys from our block had another gimmick up their sleeves. Seeing that almost all of us weren't in a relationship and thus, having no one to do sweet nothings for us, they decided to play the role of being our Valentines. 
Nope. Never exchanging anyone of those.
      Aren't they the sweetest? :)) They gave each of us a rose after presenting a supposedly sultry (?) number. Even Raffy and Earl, the shy ones, were game for the challenge. All because they wanted to "brighten (your) day." (These were exactly Gio's words.)

    Well, it took some time off our lab but Valentines just didn't end there. Sir Kurt just kept on relating everything to love! Jotted few of his witty retorts and listed them here:
"I know today's Valentines and you're supposed to go on dates. If you aren't, well, take the chance to go on dates! Trust me. Now's the right time. You won't be able to do that later on. It's difficult making time for love especially when you know there's work."
"Science is obsessed with quantifying everything even if it not meant to be. You see, we are like science. We are obsessed with quantifying love even if it is never meant to measured and scaled."
"Sometimes, the reactions cannot happen because the reaction constant is so small and it is impossible to force something to push through. It's the same with love. In dating, if you know the attraction is little, you can't just go on and be a couple. You'll end up being disappointed because you expect so much knowing it isn't meant to work out." 
It's funny because every time he makes these little analogies, everyone snaps out of their snoozefest. :P Well, that is one effective strategy, Sir! :P
"You don't always see it but love and science are alike in many ways." :)

   Lab ended really later than it usually does. It did take a toll on me that's why I ended up sleeping at such a wrong time. :) Anyway, I've spent a date with roommate Tricia as we had dinner in this restaurant-slash-tea shop called Eat along Katipunan plus I had Starr's Milkshake, too! Indeed, love can be found in the solace of food. :) <3 p="">
   See? Who ever needs romance when you've got friends who'll treat you more than special on this day of hearts? :)

Happy Hearts' Day everyone! :*

Thursday, February 13, 2014

what it takes to love

It's the time if the year again where Hallmark earns a lot from all those mushy paper-cut greetings and flowers and chocolates go all the rage. This is when all things are good for two. From shirts to mugs, everything seems to echo what we all know. When February kicks in, expect tons of sugary expressions of love. After all, this month's dedicated to all those drama. 

 Not everyone's lucky to find that certain someone, though. Not everyone managed to meet that guy/girl who'll make this month "extra special." For those who rather have time just for themselves, Facebook and Twitter are the perfect outlets for expressing "sawi" posts or "Yes, I'm alone, yet I'm alone and freee!" messages. Certainly, anyone can attest to that. I, for one, have seen a number even before February came knocking on our doors.

  Well, love is such an overused term, an exaggerated concept. Along the way, people forget what it really means.

  I am no expert in relationships. My heart has never been open to commitments. Maybe just not yet. I may not be ready to open myself to these personal attachments but I believe I've seen enough movies, heard enough songs, read enough books and felt enough emotions to come up with my own thoughts. To you, this might not be the perfect definition but this is what I see. This is what it takes to love.

   To love is to be vulnerable.

CS Lewis has found the right words to describe what happens when you love because in this game of emotions, you take risks. You open yourself to a wide array of possibilities that range from the most predictable to the most absurd. No, you don't get to choose what happens next. One moment, it's all picture perfect then all of a sudden, it's one of those heartbreaking scenes you watch in movies. After all, love is not always sunny and bright.

   To love is to be brave. 

You don't meet Mr. Right in a single snap and as much as you try to be Ms. Right for that someone, it doesn't work. It's like forcing one puzzle piece to fit in a space that wasn't meant to be. Your heart might be broken from loving all the wrong things. Yes, it is alright to feel pain because that's where it all starts. Love starts with the choice to be open to the things you never thought you'd feel.

   Love is not cultivated overnight. It develops through time and is not handled in haste. It takes patience to wait for something you are not even sure will work. It takes courage to accept those doubts and still be willing to take those chances.

   To love is to have faith.

As much as others tell you that it's hopeless, still you are willing to try one more time. You never give up because you honestly believe that he can. In love, there's always a way. If something goes wrong, there's
always tomorrow. Everything can be fixed. It might take some time but you know that it will always work out. You just have to trust and believe that it could happen.

  However, there's always the trap of believing too much. It might be hard but sometimes, we have to accept that some things are not what they seem. They cannot and will not be the things we ultimately hope for. It takes courage to accept the bitter truth. Otherwise, you'll end up fooling yourself and love will always be out of your reach because love? It sticks with reality. It is never far-fetched as many people thought it is.

   To love is to accept all flaws.

He might be smart but he's sloppy and careless. She's pretty but she doesn't know how to make her way in the world. Cliche it might sound, yes, no one is perfect. As much as you want to believe, no one can ever fit into the cookie cutter you have molded. That guy in your dreams will stay that way. He'll forever be a fantasy because admit it, there is no guy out there who can be handsome, smart, thoughtful and everything else you want to be all at the same time. Each has their own flaws and it takes love to recognize those little things and accept them.

  If you only love what you see, what will happen if those things fade away? What will happen if he's no longer the handsome face you see in magazines? What will happen if she loses that jet-black hair and curvy waist?
   If you only love what you hear, what if those sweet nothings stop? What if, one day, he doesn't call back and tell you how much he loves you? What if she never responds?

   It takes effort to see beyond what is visible, to hear beyond what is said. That is where love starts.

   To love is to sacrifice.

You can never have it all. As much as you love someone and give him your all,  he just doesn't feel the same way. Love is accepting defeat. It is making someone happy even if it means losing him in the process. Love is accepting the pain, knowing that this is what is right. You know the pain will soon pass but that doesn't excuse you from feeling hurt and crestfallen. It is okay to cry as long as you don't settle for that. Maybe now's not the right time. Maybe he's not yet the one. To love is to sacrifice your happiness for what it's worth. It is trusting that in time, things will fall in place.

To love is many other things I have yet to know and I am bidding my time, constantly waiting and learning as life unravels itself before me. Happy Valentines! :)

Saturday, February 1, 2014

a day with the apps + Pia

I know I should be writing that paper on fairy tales but as usual, I find myself logging in Facebook and dropping by this blog. Well, it has been a routine. Way to keep that "to write more" resolution going! :)

   My roommate and I have that knack for remembering holidays simply because they are supposed to be chill-out days! :) We've been looking forward to this since it stretches up to four days. Yes, here comes the much-awaited four-day break from hearing the school bell, from yawning even to the point of falling asleep in class, from the stressful surprise quizzes on matters you never fully grasped. (Who am I to complain? Should have read more about derivatives. Ugh. Hopefully, I did better this time.) This, however, doesn't change the fact that there are deadlines that need to be met, papers to be written, research done and long exams to study for. (I cry because of Math T.T Can someone answer the test for me even just once and at least pull my marks one letter grade higher?) 

    Still, instead of sleeping in like what I do during weekends, I woke up at around six, did the usual morning routine and then off went to UP again! Sleeping quite late the night before, I wondered if I had the energy to go through one whole day, having back-to-back immersions for the Affiliations and Marketing Committee.

    Turns out I had lots to spare. :P

Rogie's camera shy DAW hahaha

    It has been amazing! This is exactly where my extroversion kicks in. It was fun meeting co-applicants and members of the org and at the same time, learning that there's more to what I signed up for. It takes dedication and so much spirit to keep that fire burning. Not that I am complaining, though. You know (well, my high school friends do, actually) how much attached I am to PSYSC. :') (Please oh please let me pass that formal interview. I know it would probably still be a month away. Yes, I jotted that down in my planner already. Still, there's that uneasiness of facing a panel. Jitters!)

     Well, learning about the two committees had me thinking about which one I could completely pour myself into. I find Affil really interesting. Mailing letters, promoting the org to different schools, coordinating with teachers-- those seemed to be my kind of thing. I don't seem to have the Marketing vibe. Can't even convince someone to have lunch with me, how about asking them to sponsor for a national event? Yes, the job is challenging and that's what brings the fun. It "pushes you to your limits" just like what Kuya Jazer experienced. I like how the Internals take care of the RCs. Maybe I could hop in to that, too. Externals doesn't seem to be so bad but what really crosses my mind is the Publicity Committee. Writing has always, always been my first love. (Okay, I know I tend to associate a lot of things as my "first love" but you know what I mean) What if Publicity is where I could contribute more to the organization?

    Oh well.

    More things happened today! Here goes the list:
  • Some NECATs have seen this blog and they know I am writing about the immersions. That means I have to be more careful on what to post. Haha kidding! :) But really, thank you Kuya Mel and Kuya RM for your time. (Yes Kuya Mel! Minention na kita. :P)
  • Rogie treated us with some ice cream! :D He supposedly offered only Mia BUT since I heard, he had no other choice but to treat me as well! Then, I called Marianne (is this how she spells her name?), too! If you are reading this, thank you again, Gie!  
Yes, we just had to document it, okay? :P
  • No more keeping my NECAT crush a secret. That was fast. Thanks to the attendance sheet, Kuya Mel! :P Yes, to Kuya Raf, too. Why did I have to answer that part honestly?
  • Clingy-ness! :) From buddy plans and homework to dinner with some members of the organization (yes, Kuya Raf was there and he'll always be! ;) ), there's that sense of fitting in. Almost. :)

Enough said. :)
  • Meeting Pia on the way home and ending up crashing at her room. Thanks Pia Isabella for the pomelos, tarts and sour tapes! YOU THE BEST! :D

I won't go hungry when Pia is around. :P
That pretty much sums up Friday. :)

Depends on how you see it, Mia :P 

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