Saturday, July 26, 2014

reality check #1

It has been hell. And heck, it's not even midterms yet. 

The past week has been really depressing. I ought to be studying by now. Studying. On a Saturday night. Yes, I was lenient with myself last night. Indulging with an 8-hour sleep, it was enough to keep me awake during my Political Science class where in my professor could go talking for hours without knowing we'd all slowly be losing ourselves in a dream. 

This semester has not shown its silver lining yet. Our Zoology professor has most of her thoughts on religion. Picture that. We were supposed to discuss evolution (it was in the syllabus and  yes, it was included in her slides as well) but she skipped it. She skipped a huge chunk of her presentation just because "sorry, [she] does not believe in it." (verbatim) We just had her long test and although I can say it was manageable, those things were taught in high school. I know I should have not been complaining but I was expecting to enhance the knowledge, knowing that we were in college after all, in a pre-medical course nonetheless. 

I wonder where this could possibly lead on. *sigh

Then there's Org Chem. No matter how hard I try, it seems that my position wouldn't budge. I spent way too much on coffee. I have dark, heavy circles under my eyes and please, if these were all-the-rage designer bags, I'd be gaining a fortune from selling them. I did all the problem sets and spent more time on it as I could be sleeping. "WHAT JUST HAPPENED?" would come more frequently out of my mouth that "I get it!" during the lecture. And that, Dear Reader, isn't good. It rarely is. It never is. I submit my pre-labs on time and boy, those questions weren't easy to answer. My lab professor's quizzes are like hell to go through. My responses to his droning voice would always be:

  •  "Why did I ever forget this part?"
  •  "Ha? That was part of the experiment?" 
  •  "Oh no. Not this."  
  •  "But I wasn't able to answer that in the pre-lab!" 
  • "I am going to fail his quiz. AGAIN."
  • no other choice but to cry inside and still manage to keep a straight face 

I thought burning the midnight oil would be worth it but why I get such mediocre results? Sometimes I wonder if I was brilliant enough to stay in this course, much less the university. It had kept me all night, honestly. Call me GC (Ugh, is it always a bad thing to be grade-conscious?) but dear heavens, there's that standard I have to fill in. And no, it's not only that. Of course, there's the long list of societal expectations I think I might not be able to reach. 

This week has brought about the first wave of long tests and the experience has not been quite pleasant. Dear heavens, I need that lucky streak. 

Thursday, July 17, 2014

clingy dinners and deep conversations

Classes have been suspended for two days and good heavens, all I ever done were my pre- and post-lab reports for Org Chem. I told myself I'd be using the time to prepare for that long test (which was later moved to Monday-- well I don't know if that is either a good or bad thing) but then I ended up sleeping most of the day. 

Oh well. What's new?

I've been eating out most of the time with Chelsea and Pia, blockmates who are (un)luckily dormers like me! Basically, we get the same problems i.e "Where do I eat next?"

Just a while ago, while walking back to the dorm and ranting on how sawi we could ever get, the conversation started to take on its serious side. Pia started talking about how difficult and complicated love could ever get. I don't know how we got there but basically, she said (non-verbatim):

Anak (NOTE: she calls Chelsea this! :P) , being in a relationship can be such a mess. Ending it can be more complicated than it seems. First, once you hurt a girl, it is more difficult to regain her trust than earning it. It would take a long time to heal the wounds. Others would ask, "Why are you hurting? It has been a while right?" Yes, it could be a while since then but don't expect someone who get her heart broken to piece it all back together just right then and there. You can't speed up the process. Still, others would ask, "Why are you the one hurting? Aren't you the one who ended it?" Yes, I might be the one who cut the connection but was it always my decision? No, there were things that attributed to the falling apart. Believe me, the feelings were still there but those weren't good enough. Sometimes, you have to go for the more painful option. Sometimes, it's the only way you can ever grow.

Now, you see why my block is always so sawi?

Front row from the left (char): That's Chelsea, Trisha, Pia and I! :)
Next one (just those smiling hihihi) : Tricia and Alreen :)

Monday, July 14, 2014

Too Soon

You heard it all too much before but I'm sorry I had to tell it again.

Yes, I was foolish to believe that if things are meant to be, then everything would fall into place irregardless of the time and space.

Life then threw back its logic at me. It replied with a resounding "No."

We met and yes, it was a time worth looking back into. However, it was also the moments where I had to search for my own. How then will I ever find the space to fit into your own puzzle when I was missing mine?

How could I have known that it was then the only time fitting for us to be? Did I know then that losing you was something I would regret later on?

I do not have the answers and perhaps I never will. Still, I imagine how different it would be if I could have met you during a different season in my life. Perhaps then, you would no longer be a chapter. Perhaps then, you could have been the book.

what cannot be

I'm stuck. 
I'm in the middle of my own crossroads. 

How confusing this life can possibly be?
   There are things that I want to do but I shouldn't,
   and things that I should do but I wouldn't.

    Time goes and so does the things that I forget but I must remember,
    but why should the things I remember are those I need to forget?

I've yet to search for the answers. I've yet to come up with clues. 

Still, I wonder. Why must we keep on pining on what cannot be?

Saturday, July 5, 2014

talk about awkward

Remember the time when you had the biggest crush on someone you barely knew? Your eyes just met but there was something in him that made you look back while walking fast ahead. He wasn't the best one in the crowd but you never knew what snapped. You liked him just like that.

Remember those times you get giddy whenever a notification pops and you see that it actually pertains to him? Whenever your phone vibrates, you quickly take it out, hoping against hope that the message was from him. Those were the days that a simple conversation would take you for hours, with you hoping he'd continue talking and texting back even if it meant just an exchange of smileys.

Remember when he was one of the usual conversation starters among friends? You could go on talking about how your story started and how you still wish it wouldn't ended just like snow when the sun appears; something which slowly melts away. He was, in fact, one of the biggest crushes you ever had. Who would ever thought that you would still remember those moments until now?

How then would you ever forget how your heart broke over the loss of communication, the loss of everything you once had right after one sudden question? You could only guess as there was no closure. You just knew. You just saw.
"In a relationship," 
read on his profile page. Frozen, you didn't know what to say. What happened to those few weeks of kilig? Ah, finally it all ended.  No more sense on waiting. He didn't, anyway. What did you expect?

Years passed by and you tried to forget. Still, you couldn't. He was, after all, one of the milestones, so to speak. But who knew how the universe conspired to make both your roads diverge once more? Who knew he'd end up in the same university as you did? Who knew there would even be more chances, more possibilities to see him once more, to work along side with him and to get to know him after all those growing years?

You, after all this time, haven't forgotten. Awkwardness fills the void of conversation. Panic rushes whenever you catches his eye. What do you do? What do you say? Do you even look okay?

Still, you remind yourself, he wasn't the same boy you used to know. He has grown, as you also have. Why don't you try to get over the past and let it be?

Oh boy. Easier said than done. 

Thursday, July 3, 2014

the first taste of sophomore life

I am dying.

Only three weeks into the semester, the big pile of readings, research papers, lab reports and quizzes has kept me up all night. There is rarely a day without any homework. I swear my brain is going to crash some time soon. Sometimes, I find myself struggling to keep both eyes open in class especially when rain makes some random appearance amidst such humid weather. You see, 11 pm is still early for us. Working late and waking up early for class the next day seems to become a lifestyle for all of us.

So much has happened during the course I wasn't able to blog. (So much for the resolution of writing more this year. Damn. I really shouldn't have made any promises that might seem so hard to keep.) Anyway, in a nutshell, everything happened:

  • summer classes and the struggle to get those As (Yes, GC. Let me beeee. It's the one of the few things that keep me on track)
  • PMSA PlanSem in Antipolo waaaaay back in April-- I ended up not missing too much sleep as my body got used to all the sleepless nights in PSYSC :P
  • finally entering the world of legalities-- yay to the perks of voting and getting that driving license soon! (char. :P)
  • surprises big and small :) 
  • taking the big leap to apply and getting in the CSIW Core 2014! (more details on this soooooon. Hopefully. :') )
  • perming my ever-so-straight hair! :'">
  • not getting into most of classes because I was batch 2 and finally resorting to manual registration
  • travelling alone!
  • experiencing the hassle of manreg and getting stuck in Pol Sci, a class taken up in the third year, instead of Econ because no more slots left :(
  • stuck with 3-hour Saturday classes despite having NSTP on Wednesdays. Pol Sci, I still cry :'(
I guess this is it then. It is another year closer to the end of the chapter. No longer the little kids fresh from high school, professors aren't that lenient anymore. Bombarded with all the papers and upcoming exams, I feel like we've been in school longer than we really are. 

This semester, Youtube is my study buddy. No longer could I rely on my ears and eyes for complete understanding of concepts. I can only help myself knowing that I really couldn't learn much from class. Imagine having a professor who keeps talking about the Creator and how He has made all things wonderful. Imagine that same professor who skips a whole section of the book just because "I don't believe in such things." Really? I thought we were learning about animals here, not theology.

Don't get me wrong. I know that He is an infinite, ineffable presence (I learned that in Theo! yaaay!) and I get that we have to recognize that there is this Supreme Being who has created the world out of nothing. But then, does one really have to dismiss the facts of science just because one does "not believe" it can be true?

Oh well. I would never know the answers. I do hope the one reading this doesn't get me wrong. I just can't take it any longer. 



Dear heavens, help.

Fooling around during Theo. Ma'am + some of the class weren't there yet soo..
yeah, basically, you get what I mean :P

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...