Saturday, March 29, 2014

Last Conversation

One day, you and i will see again.
   In what particular time, I know not when
   Yet for now, I'd rather not
   Have another reminder of  those twisted knots.

Let me be, give me time
   Let me look for the perfect rhyme.
   Hard as it might be, I have to face
   You are no longer with me in this race.

Now, go and find your heart's desire
    I cannot fulfill and transpire
    I wish you happiness
    Even if it is no longer with my caress.

Thursday, March 27, 2014


The future holds many possibilities waiting to be explored. Adventure is out there. Life awaits. Yet, among those millions of what if , there lies the thing we love most.

Someday, we will know and find what would truly makes us happy. Or maybe we won't. 

Maybe, we are meant for far greater things, far greater than we thought we could be. Maybe, happiness is concealed in packages we often disregard. Maybe, we ought to look closer. Or maybe, we can try to look farther. 

No matter the choice, it all boils down to one tiny thing. Everything takes a leap of faith.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Setting Him Free

It takes courage to take that step further, to say yes to the question of commitment, and to agree on things you thought you would never understand. Still, it takes courage to put an end to those memories, to bid goodbye to every little thing done together, and to walk away from the life you once shared. 

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm right. I would never know. Still, I faced my fears. I faced the prospect of hearing the music without its sweet melody, of dancing without grace, of seeing life alone and without you. 

Am I brave enough? Is it enough courage to take every tiny step away from the person who matters most?

Only time would tell. 

Friday, March 21, 2014

friendzone? HAHAHA okay bye

Friendzone, adj., noun, verb.
- term in popular culture which refers to the state or level of relationship where one wants to pursue a romantic relationship but the other does not reciprocate and instead wishes that they remain friends. 
Sample sentence:
"Wala, pare eh. Na-friendzone ako." ("Nothing, dude. I'm stuck in the friendzone")
More often, the term is further implied in lines such as:
    "I don't want to ruin our friendship."    
   "Awww. You are the nicest guy (or girl) I ever know."   
    "I think we are better off just like this." 

Awww Gordo, :( screencap from Lizzie McGuire :) Childhood feels!

   The internet has exploded with stories of guys (and yes, even girls) who failed to make that one shot. These tales from all over the world, from different walks of life, have been shared to serve as an example and inspiration to those who wish and have mustered the courage to take on the next level. While the term has been recently coined and popularized, this state has long been around. Everyone knows not all relationships blossoms into ever-afters. Sometimes, it just ends there. Sometimes, it's just that. 

    I have yet to understand why there is so much bitterness surrounding the idea of "just friends." Maybe because I have no prior experience of being the "unlucky" one labeled as the friend or, to further deepen the wound, the best friend he could ever have. Hell yes, I know it hurts but isn't it a lot better than none at all? Doesn't that hurt less than cutting all the connection between the two of you? Isn't keeping that bond weigh better than finally turning down all cards, letting all those years go to oblivion?

    You might say I am rather rude but as a girl who has observed a lot of stuff relevant to the topic noted above, I would say that being in the friendzone is not that bad at all. Sure, you say, you weren't the one in my place. Sure, you weren't the one who is silently hurting while she's (or even he) going on and on about her newfound eye-candy. Sure, you weren't the one who has tried so hard to suppress his feelings but ultimately realized that he couldn't. And finally, sure, you weren't the one who made a fool of himself, gathering all the guts just to spill what he has been trying to hide for a long time and ended feeling dejected and worthless. 

    Honestly, I can't say, "I know. I've been through that,too."  Well, maybe you're right. It sucks not to achieve that happy ending you were wistfully thinking of. But hey, life goes on. Maybe, the one you've been persistently referring to as The One isn't just that at all. Maybe s/he is more like of a stepping stone towards that missing gem. It hurts and if that doesn't sink in yet, it would someday, soon enough. Rejection is indeed one of the worst emotions ever created but it is through them we grow. We learn that not everything goes our way but someday, you'll take the right path and find happiness stuck in a little corner. But for now, here goes the pain, here go the tears. Let them fall. Let your heart be broken to all those tiny pieces. After all, in time, you'd be picking all those up, fumbling which piece goes to another and finally learning to love over the damage. 

   It is easy to say that it would be better to burn all bridges. Staying away from the source of your unhappiness is the best way there is, right? Sadly, no. Maybe for now, that would seem the most brilliant plan but in the long run, you'll end up regretting over the loss of a connection that might just be one of the best things in life there could ever be. If your heart breaks every time you see them just after that eventful course in your relationship, then keep your distance if you must. Resist the urge to call, text or even check their tweets. You'd end up feeling dejected all over again. Give yourself time. Then when you are ready, renew the friendship you once had. It would be such a shame to let all those laughter, witty inside jokes, afternoon trips and study nights all go to waste. 

     Being in the friendzone is better than being overtly rejected. Trust me. At least when you're stuck as the friend she'd (or yes, he) always count on, maybe there's still the chance she'll see you in a different light. Still, don't get your hopes up. Free yourself from those limits of just feeling for her (or him). There are thousands of fishes in the sea. Wait patiently and you'll catch the best one for you in time. 

    Finally, let it go. I know it might sound cliche, but maybe it wasn't meant to be. Maybe, you were better off as friends. Maybe, it is in that way you'd be able to maximize time and memories with her (or even him). Maybe, right now, just at this moment, that's all you can ever be. As of now, you just might be a plant, unable to feel or in much better terms, unwilling to feel. However, I know that in time, you'd be able to allocate those feelings for someone else but only if you'd try. Set sail and look for different shores. Muster that courage once more and delve into new depths. Maybe this time, you'd find her (or him) after the long hiatus. 

    To sum it all up, allow me to quote one of my best-loved fictional sweethearts,

   you just need faith, trust and a little pixie dust. ;) 

Thursday, March 20, 2014

almost free

REJOICE! Just half a page more and I'm done with Fil 12! 

I need food. just food. 

Then after, hello memoir! Still have a day to finish editing that paper. 

Last push. Bring it on. 

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

13B Appreciation Post

I know I still have a paper due in 25 hours but can I just take some time off and give in to my overwhelming emotions for like 10 minutes or maybe even less?


I AM SO PROUD OF US, 13B! From just the five of us from the original staff list, there are already eleven from our batch! That's already saying something! :))

Cheers to us, Clarus, Ben, J-ann, Andre, Romie, Andrea, Rogie, Mia, Xy, Justin! :)) Here's to the first of many national events together!

We are undeniably the largest batch that ever made it so far ;)

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

finals #2

I have my Math finals in 6 hours and I'm still not done reviewing. Oh boy.

Well, I did study ahead last week but I feel that there are too much chem stuff still going on my head and I fear that those would entangle with my mathematical knowledge. I might just accidentally use those chemical formulas for deriving new equations which I hope I won't be careless in solving this time around.

Then there's that final paper in Filipino I have to finish by Thursday. 

This is only the beginning. 

Good luck, college version of me. 

Monday, March 17, 2014


I was supposed to post this last night but then there was chem and my Lit prof told us never to write during the peak of those emotions so here goes:

Guess who's coming to this summer's camp? 


I was literally jumping and shouting out of joy and surprise. :) Who wouldn't? It was totally unexpected. We have already faced the reality that the chances of us coming were slim. There were a lot of hopeful faces from the earlier batches and compared to us, they were evidently more experienced. Add to that what Ate Annie told us after the staff training. With sad eyes, she looked and told us, "Punta pa rin kayo next week ah? I fought hard for all of you. Don't worry. Matagal pa kayo sa org na ito." We were just like, "Awwwww Ate. It's okay. It's the thought that counts. :')"

Resigned, my batch mates and I assured ourselves that there was still CSIW, the counterpart for this summer's event and was focused on the younger affiliates.  

The thought of coming was already at the back of my mind but when the clock struck 8 and Kuya Egbert posted the staff list, I found myself clicking the link as curiosity and hope took over me. 

Familiar names were in that list. There was his, too!

Redirecting and scrolling down further,

I FOUND MINE! :)))))

Along with me are four other new additions in the organization. Yep, Batch 13B represent! :)) (Hiii Clarus, J-Ann, Andre, Ben! That is if you are reading this. :) ) Although it was also sad that there were only four of us, happiness ruled over.Our batch was still supportive, though. :') I'd always love them for that. 

Change of plans then. I won't be coming home to Albay after all. Maybe after summer classes then but for now, there are finals and this camp! :))

Chem finals in an hour. ;) Ciao.

PS. Loving this shot from Ate Mariel :))

From yesterday's staff training with Kuya Esgie, Poy and Belle. :') 

Saturday, March 15, 2014

The Cliché

You know that you are special,
   my half, my other twin.
   but time is not with us,
   it seems it has never been.
I know it isn't easy
   but perhaps it's for the best.
   I just need to be alone.
   Can we stop for a while and give it a rest?

My heart is not yet ready
    for this battle so soon.
    Maybe someday it will be,
    but right now it's singing out of tune.

You have heard it long before,
    perhaps many times more.
    It's not you, it's me.
    I am not yet your heart's key.


Deep within, I know I am hoping for what cannot be,
   something that can never be more than a dream.
   What I feel whenever you are together
   shouldn't be how it seems.

It seems that you are happy and thus I should be too
   even if those smiles are never meant for us two.
   I shouldn't feel so empty whenever you forget
   about our trips. You are with her, I bet.

I know I have no right over what I still feel,
   Things I should have said and not just left concealed.
   It is too late, too late for me to try and make it real
   I'll tuck them away, from the world completely sealed.

I promise I'd keep my silence, I'd always be around
   I'll be the one to listen without bound.
   I know it hurts but what I feel will stay
   As much as I try to will it away.



Thursday, March 13, 2014

what to feel


today, just today :)

I feel like the universe is conspiring against me.

   One moment, I'm up in the clouds, going along where the wind takes me. Then just in a simple snap, there goes the bubble. Here goes ultimately blushing and asking yourself, "Why did I ever get there in the first place?"

   It's already Thursday and I'm half panicking, half rejoicing inside. Yes, the week is nearly over. Hello, weekend! Few more days and yaaay, no more classes for at least 3 weeks!

    But hey, finals are coming up and I still have that paper waiting to be written. (Hi, Filipino. Remind me when did we ever break up.) I feel bad for missing my grandparents' visit and my little cousin's baptism tomorrow. There's this final exam for Chem Lab and I still don't know what else our professor will be quizzing us about. We didn't have the chance to reread and go through our lab reports. Ugh. How then will we know we are not making the same mistakes again? Plus, I've got to finish studying for Chem and Math ASAP. 

  Today was really all about Math. Derivatives, graphs, optimization, curve-sketching-- Thank God I got through that 1-hour-and-30-minute ordeal. I promised myself I'd wake up at 6 but hey, I woke up just on time to get ready for the test. Oh well. No more cramming extra information. I just held on to luck and the things I was able to digest last night. Oh I don't know. I don't understand how my brain suddenly stops working during Math long tests. Thank goodness that didn't happen again a while ago. I managed to answer all five items. I can't say that I'd answered them accurately Each one was crucial. Imagine, 25 points for a single item! Missing just one and making one careless mistake will severely affect your grade. Oh please. Every point counts. I cannot let this chance slip away. I just hope I can manage to bring my advisory grade up by at least a notch. What matters is that I finished the exam completely! :) Still keeping my fingers crossed, though :)

  I never learn. I've underestimated the size of my campus. Who knew I'd be seeing him again today? Well, I didn't. At first, I thought it was someone else. I was walking back to the dorm and I saw this guy, clearly disoriented, shuffling through the things in his backpack. I didn't mean to stare. I was just looking, thinking that he does seem familiar. And then he looked up. (Was it even him or is my mind playing tricks on me again?) Me? Let's say our eyes met for just a few seconds and then mine looked away. HOW CAN I NOT when I look so stressed? Why does this happen every time? It seems to me that the universe doesn't know the word "timing."

  Oh well. As much as growing up can be pretty much upsetting, challenging and embarrassing all at the same time, I am cherishing every awkward moment of it. :)

   I feel that I've already written too much drama. That's my cue for going back to chem. So much for that study break. :P

chilling with acads

2:33 am.

   It's a miracle I've managed to stay awake this late. At last, the coffee worked its magic on me. I haven't gotten proper sleep these past few days. It's a wonder how I am still the better, sound version of myself.

    Math is turning me into a zombie. I don't understand how easy the lessons could be when our professor is around. Is it just the difficulty of the examples given or is it because there was just someone guiding us through the process of answering the problems? I do hope what I'm studying actually gets in my mind and pops into the long test later. I need that B+. 

    On the upside, I received my draft for the research paper already. Sir Roy told me that he actually liked my work! ;"> Just a few more revisions and I'm done with research! Writing the memoir shouldn't be that hard, right? I should do that this weekend along with my review for the finals in Math and Chemistry.

    Oh please just let me get that 3.00 QPI. 

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

this love-hate relationship

We barely have nine more days till the end of the semester. Just nine more days and we're no longer what they call fresh meat. Nine more days and we'll say goodbye to being the bottom of the social ladder. :)
  Well, I don't know whether to classify that as a good or bad thing. I can't even imagine how demanding sophomore year could be. Friends from the upper-class relate stories of struggle with a bit of fun along the way. As they say in Health Sci, pass sophomore year and you're good to go. Hey, I look forward to my legality but there's org chem and stat! <//3 Here comes the majors too. I know that sooner or later, they'll be around the corner but am I really that equipped to face them already?

  Oh well. 

  Before I start worrying about sophomore year, I still have to pass this round of finals. Bring it on. 

 Still, allow me to procrastinate even just for a few more minutes. I need to work on the problem sets for that last long test in Chemistry but I just can't let this day pass without me writing about that consultation with Sir Popa. :)

    You see, back in high school, I was not one of those who had a hard time with Filipino. Well, except for that part where I really had to roll my R's which until now I can never do. I looked through my curriculum and there was that subject again. I thought everything would be a breeze. Well, just like everything else in college, that changed.

    Who knew Filipino could be so demanding? With all those long readings and deeper-than-the-ocean analysis, the subject grew from a gentle breeze to an intimidating hurricane. I barely survived those literary uptakes with Sir Yol during the first semester. Then, as luck would have it, we've got Sir Allan Popa for Fil 12.

    I've got my hands down to one of the most brilliant literary minds I've ever met. Sir Popa is just amazing. Don't believe me? Google him and get back to me if you ever have doubts on his credentials. One hour and a half isn't even enough for him to discuss an essay just because he has loads to say about what the essay really is about. Having him as a professor has its downside, too. He can be super demanding with your time. Girl, you've got to give Filipino a portion of your time. Just reading one of all those essays takes you at least an hour to finish! Plus, he has super high expectations that would just push you to your limits. 

   That's also the reason why I am just so happy right now. You see, we have to make this final paper regarding a certain topic related to our course plus we've also have to launch a campaign to address the issues tackled on our individual research. I've always averaged just a C on the parts of my research-- from the topics through the most basic outline. It seemed that even how much I tried, my best wasn't just enough. That was why I was having cold feet for today's consultation. I was barely prepared as I was finishing a lab report due on the same day. T^T Oh well. Better show him what I've got so far. Better like these than none at all.

    I've been sleeping late these days because of too much requirements. They've literally piled on my desk right now and it gives me a headache just thinking about how to finish them on time. With fingers crossed, I presented my proposal (well, more like, refreshed and updated him where I am now). I didn't even need to remind him which topic I was working on because he remembered! :))) He told me that I was doing okay so far and just needed to be careful with my semiotic analysis. :))

   Call me shallow but THAT WAS ALREADY A COMPLIMENT! :))))

    Okay. Now you know why I've got this love-hate relationship with Filipino. Back to work, then. Hello, we meet again, Chemistry. *sigh Sir Gross please. :'(

Sunday, March 2, 2014


I haven't been posting too much about my app process for PSYSC lately. Guess I just have too much stuff on my plate these past few weeks. Papers on just about everything, pop quizzes, discussions from the reaction of acids and bases to Creon's tragedy, lab reports-- ugh. Name it. I won't make this blog an outlet for rants and hate posts though. That would be too depressing to read even for myself. 

   Anyway, today was my first facilitating experience as an applicant! :) We're almost there. Few more steps and we'll be part of the org once and for all! *insert evil laugh here haha kidding* I haven't taken the final exam yet and boy, I don't know what to expect for the final interview. Apps' Night is already on Monday!(which is basically tomorrow since the clock has already struck 12 hihihi) Well, I just hope I'd be in the right state at those times. Been in an emotional roller coaster ride because of acads. Oh well. Good luck to me.

   Going back, we've just had BASIC today (by today, I meant yesterday. Gosh. I have no sense of time.) I wasn't going to volunteer in the first place since we had to practice for our batch performances. Yes, performances. Magis at its finest! ;P However, there was that feeling tugging me to sign up. *high school feels all over again!* What could I do? I just wanted to be there. :) After debating with myself for the longest time ever, I just sent in the form. Oh well. I'll find ways to catch up with the practices. Sorry, 13B. Love you still. :)

   So there. I woke up when the hallways were still so dark I had to remind myself that it was already morning and no, there wouldn't be anyone or anything waiting for me in that corner, bidding its time to scare me away.Still, I was rushing to the rendezvous. See? I have no sense of time. 

    I was in a hurry as it was almost 7 and I was still on the jeep. Then, I remembered. The overpass. Oh gods. No way I'm passing that way again. If ever I'd be given the chance to find a detour, I would! Guess you can conclude how I felt. I was way up the ground and no, I wasn't feeling secure. Gosh. Those railings are really unreliable. You can even feel the overpass shake from the traffic below. Nope. Not ever doing that again. 

   Apparently, I've been hurrying for no reason. Arrived there at 7 (or some 5-10 minutes past that) and just saw Ate Joanna alone. Yep. So much for the rush. Oh well. Better early than never! :P

   It took almost an hour and a half before we finally left for the venue. And boy, I was so wrong. The place was amazing. Going to a school like that was bliss. Well, technically speaking. It was small compared to my high school but I swear, theirs is equally awesome. I don't know about the curriculum but the place impressed me. Wow. Just wow.

   Although there was just a small number of participants, I had fun! :) Just a way to sum it all up because I'm just too lazy to type more about the event itself. ;) Talked and bonded with some of the NECATs around plus four of my co-apps who coincidentally were all boys. It wasn't that hard being the only rose among the thorns. :) And guess who the speakers were?

KUYA GINO and KUYA JOBI! What a lucky encounter! :) Before, they were my facilitators. Now, they were the ones speaking in front! What made it even more awesome is that they were there together. Isn't it amazing? :))

   Had tons of great food that day as well. I'll catch up with my prep for that PE exam the day after. :P

   More "groupies" from that day below! :P 

   Wooh. UUBE later! Must finish this post lab if I really wanted to go. Push! #leggo :))

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