reality check #1

It has been hell. And heck, it's not even midterms yet. 

The past week has been really depressing. I ought to be studying by now. Studying. On a Saturday night. Yes, I was lenient with myself last night. Indulging with an 8-hour sleep, it was enough to keep me awake during my Political Science class where in my professor could go talking for hours without knowing we'd all slowly be losing ourselves in a dream. 

This semester has not shown its silver lining yet. Our Zoology professor has most of her thoughts on religion. Picture that. We were supposed to discuss evolution (it was in the syllabus and  yes, it was included in her slides as well) but she skipped it. She skipped a huge chunk of her presentation just because "sorry, [she] does not believe in it." (verbatim) We just had her long test and although I can say it was manageable, those things were taught in high school. I know I should have not been complaining but I was expecting to enhance the knowledge, knowing that we were in college after all, in a pre-medical course nonetheless. 

I wonder where this could possibly lead on. *sigh

Then there's Org Chem. No matter how hard I try, it seems that my position wouldn't budge. I spent way too much on coffee. I have dark, heavy circles under my eyes and please, if these were all-the-rage designer bags, I'd be gaining a fortune from selling them. I did all the problem sets and spent more time on it as I could be sleeping. "WHAT JUST HAPPENED?" would come more frequently out of my mouth that "I get it!" during the lecture. And that, Dear Reader, isn't good. It rarely is. It never is. I submit my pre-labs on time and boy, those questions weren't easy to answer. My lab professor's quizzes are like hell to go through. My responses to his droning voice would always be:

•  "Why did I ever forget this part?"
•  "Ha? That was part of the experiment?" 
•  "Oh no. Not this."  
•  "But I wasn't able to answer that in the pre-lab!" 
• "I am going to fail his quiz. AGAIN."
• no other choice but to cry inside and still manage to keep a straight face 

I thought burning the midnight oil would be worth it but why I get such mediocre results? Sometimes I wonder if I was brilliant enough to stay in this course, much less the university. It had kept me all night, honestly. Call me GC (Ugh, is it always a bad thing to be grade-conscious?) but dear heavens, there's that standard I have to fill in. And no, it's not only that. Of course, there's the long list of societal expectations I think I might not be able to reach. 

This week has brought about the first wave of long tests and the experience has not been quite pleasant. Dear heavens, I need that lucky streak. 

clingy dinners and deep conversations

Classes have been suspended for two days and good heavens, all I ever done were my pre- and post-lab reports for Org Chem. I told myself I'd be using the time to prepare for that long test (which was later moved to Monday-- well I don't know if that is either a good or bad thing) but then I ended up sleeping most of the day. 

Oh well. What's new?

I've been eating out most of the time with Chelsea and Pia, blockmates who are (un)luckily dormers like me! Basically, we get the same problems i.e "Where do I eat next?"

Just a while ago, while walking back to the dorm and ranting on how sawi we could ever get, the conversation started to take on its serious side. Pia started talking about how difficult and complicated love could ever get. I don't know how we got there but basically, she said (non-verbatim):

Anak (NOTE: she calls Chelsea this! :P) , being in a relationship can be such a mess. Ending it can be more complicated than it seems. First, once you hurt a girl, it is more difficult to regain her trust than earning it. It would take a long time to heal the wounds. Others would ask, "Why are you hurting? It has been a while right?" Yes, it could be a while since then but don't expect someone who get her heart broken to piece it all back together just right then and there. You can't speed up the process. Still, others would ask, "Why are you the one hurting? Aren't you the one who ended it?" Yes, I might be the one who cut the connection but was it always my decision? No, there were things that attributed to the falling apart. Believe me, the feelings were still there but those weren't good enough. Sometimes, you have to go for the more painful option. Sometimes, it's the only way you can ever grow.

Now, you see why my block is always so sawi?

Front row from the left (char): That's Chelsea, Trisha, Pia and I! :)
Next one (just those smiling hihihi) : Tricia and Alreen :)

Too Soon

You heard it all too much before but I'm sorry I had to tell it again.

Yes, I was foolish to believe that if things are meant to be, then everything would fall into place irregardless of the time and space.

Life then threw back its logic at me. It replied with a resounding "No."

We met and yes, it was a time worth looking back into. However, it was also the moments where I had to search for my own. How then will I ever find the space to fit into your own puzzle when I was missing mine?

How could I have known that it was then the only time fitting for us to be? Did I know then that losing you was something I would regret later on?

I do not have the answers and perhaps I never will. Still, I imagine how different it would be if I could have met you during a different season in my life. Perhaps then, you would no longer be a chapter. Perhaps then, you could have been the book.