still on cloud nine

Honestly, it's been an hour since I opened the browser, checked my blog and decided to write. Still,I haven't figured how to write it. All I know is that I am still on the post-CSIW hangover.

    I still cannot believe that the event we worked hard on for more than five months has just ended. In a week, all those things we planned came into life. It was the first  CORE experience for me and the road was not always smooth. Others might say mine was by far the easiest committee assignment. After all, I was only the over-all host. I just needed to keep the kids entertained and make sure that while the speakers aren't ready and there were still glitches in the workshops, their attention is still on the camp. 

  Well, I tell you now, it isn't.

   Before, I also thought that being the Sessions Head is just chill. Nope. Not at all. There's the pressure of making the kids love the camp and by extension, you as well. Why? Just like the facilitators, the Sessions Head is the face of the camp. You are always on stage. You own the spotlight. You have the responsibility of ensuring the kids have fun. 

  I thought my skills and my perky personality were enough to go beyond what was expected. I was so wrong. Try talking for one hour (or more) straight. Try dancing non-stop. Try ensuring that there is no dead air in the program. How? How can you manage without going on circles? How can you keep their energy levels high?

   Despite some shortcomings, I made it through that one week. I do hope I somehow made an impact on the kids. They might forget about me but as long as they remember the Llama Song or the Chuga Dance, I'm okay with that. They might forget about the dance steps but as long as they know that they once danced to the song, I'm okay with that. I know mine wasn't the most ideal performance ever but I hope they see that I gave my best. All for kids. Always all for the kids. :)

    There are a lot more things I wish to say but words failed me. Still, here are some people I'd wish to thank.

Mom and Dad, oh thank you for letting me be part of something I always wanted to do. Thank you for letting me join science camps back in high school, apply to become a member of the organization, and finally accept the challenge of planning the camp itself. I know you always have my back and I will be forever grateful for that.

To the National Executive Council, thank you for trusting me that I can do it. I have only been with the org for just a year and yet you still saw the potential. I would never know how you came to the decision but I know it was a tough risk, too. Thank you for giving me the chance. Before, I was only the camper who really promised that once she studied in Manila, she'd be the one behind the event one day. Thank you for making me realize that.

COREmates, dear me. Thank you for the friendship! Before, we just knew each other, simple orgmates with not much to say to one another. Now, I think I can say that I know you better. Thank you for always understanding whenever I am late for meetings (I think I made it up to you guys by being early for shoots :P)  or I can't come due to acads. Thank you being the cheereleaders whenever I have exams coming up and I still had deliverables due the next day. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. I love you guys. :)

 Facis, thank you for being the best ever! There might be some misunderstandings but thank you for giving the kids the most wonderful time :)

Kuya Mel! I WOULD HAVE NEVER SURVIVED HOSTING WITHOUT YOU! :) Thank you for finishing my sentences, looking for ways that kids don't yawn, keeping the hype and sharing the spotlight with me. Good luck on yours! 

Romie, thank you for the marvelous shots! :) (as well as my sleeping photos, thank you too :p)

BEST BUDDY! :) Kuya Deo, thank you for pushing me to apply! :) I would have never experienced this without you asking. (GO #SaShEngg!)

ANDREA CAAAAAOOOOO! WE MADE IT! YAAAY 13B! :) You know I love you. Sorry, Sec! :)

 MARIEEEEE! :) Forever yan. Go #WorkSions! :)

Karl, Sam, Ate Fides, Kuya Victor, Yanyan, Kuya Josh, Ben, Kuya Jazer, Kuya LO, Ate Jezyl..... (the list goes on!) thank you guys. :) 

and to all else who made my CORE work possible, A BIG THANK YOU! I might have forgotten to include you on this list but rest assured, I remember your efforts. :)

Grazie everyone! :) #CSIWEureka would always have a special place in my heart :) This is Ella, CSIW Sessions Head 2014, now signing off :)

all the things we do for love

It's amazing how much love can push you.

Love wakes you up on a Saturday morning even if all you wanted to do is catch up on some snooze.

It can make you hurry to beat the deadline just because you want to give what is just and due.

Love lets you survive the entire day even when you never batted an eye for sleep.

Love can help you withstand the scorching afternoon heat and keep you dancing despite the complaints of your sore feet.

Even if your throat starts to burn and your face turns all red, 

still with your voice so small,

     you never give up and remain to stand tall.

Others would wonder and never fail to ask 

"Why keep up and do such a tedious task?"

With all its troubles and pressing demands, why bother to actually lend a hand?

You can only smile, you can only nod.
There, there. They cannot look once and just understand.

This love, it has burned steadily for years
It was this path you've chosen; it has seen your fears.
Why give up now when the journey's just getting started?
Why leave when you're already on your stead?

It might be tough and dear me, the roads are still going to be rough.
But I'm holding on, counting on this little voice,
"As long as you are happy, as long as you know you still can, trust your choice."

YESSSS. STAFF TRAINING 2 DONE! CSIW DANCE VIDEO SHOT! :)

23 MORE DAYS!

SEE YOU IN CSIW PAMPANGA! <: br="">

The CSIW CORE 2014 hopes to see you there! :)

aint I wiity?

Admit it.

I am so witty you can't handle it. :P

acads + org = no time for anything else

I've been putting off writing. It's not that I don't want to but then there's just my CORE work, begging me to finish it before the event proper.

 Would you believe that we only have 27 days before CSIW? :)))

YUP. 

27 MORE DAYS. 

Basically, my time has just been divided to almost just two categories: ACADS and ORG WORK. If there wasn't any homework due the next day, then good! More time for Sessions! :) I honestly don't know if I'm ready to face 819 kids (+ parents + teachers) . Believe it or not, I still get the jitters. I might have been under the spotlight for most of my life but that doesn't mean I don't get nervous.

I worry about the little things like..

• completing forgetting the steps to the dance I've practiced over and over again (this happens)
• dead air ----- WHAT DO I DO NOW?
• the kids won't like me ---- gawd that is possible
• I'll be like Ariel when she traded her fins for a pair of legs--- oh let me SURVIVE CSIW WITHOUT LOSING MY VOICE

Gosh. 27 more days and it's showtime! G! 

*If you think I've been babbling about little chickens, that's okay. Really though, CSIW = Children's Science Interactive Workshop--- one of the big national events PSYSC has been organizing for years.  CORE= I'm part of the organizing team :) Check more about the org and its events here!

Well, rundown of what kept me on my toes for the past few days

Class has started but that didn't keep us from seeing all those movies! My wallet's got thinner though huhu. Still, they were worth it! 

Bea: "Ay nako, pag kasama si Ella, laging may photo shoot." :P

•  I know I had acads and all but I couldn't help it. I am a stage sister after all. Wouldn't miss seeing my brother perform! Good job, 14A!

• Spontaneous gala and random dinners! My lakwatsera self cannot handle staying indoors for a looooong time.

"unplanned" dinner out! (because tricia has her car hihi)

• Office worknight and staff training for CSIW! Well,it has been x months since I've gone back to the National Office. Maybe a new environment would be good for productivity. :)

I would love to add photos not featuring me but then I would have exposed the workshops by then! (So NO. You'd have to keep up with pictures OF me and my friends who surprisingly still accept me despite this fact haha)

• Been writing poetry again! :)))) Suppose the med life isn't for me, maybe words would be the answers to my dreams haha

I guess that's it. :) Back to work then!

panic mode

"Umm Ella. Di ba sa ten pa ang pasok? Bakit ang busy at stressed mo na?"

Oh who wouldn't? I've got six more days to fulfill all my deliverables.

SIX. MORE. DAYS.

I can't believe I still had time to write this down but I have to let it out. Dear me. People might be wondering why I chose to stress myself over making quiz questions and looking for ways to keep the program running. Oh I could just say no. I could just stop and give up. 

But I couldn't.

I love the organization, the thrill it has every time our national events come close, the activity the planning brings, the fulfillment each time you see the participants smile and say, "Ate, thank you po! Nag-enjoy kami!" I love the people behind the fuss. I love what we stand for.

Six more days. Yes, I'm still panicking, freaking out even. Still, it's just another deadline I could beat. #YesToPositiveThinking

So here's to giving the kids the best camp they'll ever experience! 38 more work days and hello, Pampanga!

being home after a year

I told myself I would be writing more over the break.

Who was I kidding?

Of course, I had decent internet too but who has time for the net when there is sleep? That was basically what I did most at home. When there weren't any plans of going somewhere or meeting the old friends, you'll find me underneath the sheets, desperately catching sleep I really missed over the stressful semester. Others would say I should have gone out more, seeing it has been a year since I've actually been home. Nope, all those sembreak plans didn't actually push through. (It didn't help most of my batchmates weren't back home *sigh) Moreover, the town was never the same after that horrible typhoon. It felt like exploring a new terrain. It was amazing, sad and exciting all at the same time.

Did I mention it was also the first time I traveled alone?(Yep but that is for another post. I believe it would be too much for you, Dear Reader, for me to condense everything in just one entry. Say, wouldn't it be too tedious and too boring to read?) The experience was amazing! (albeit its delays and minor mishaps. Oh yes, I'm talking about you, Cebu Pacific.) It just makes me look forward to seeing the world soon. (YES GOALS :P)

Being home ignited the memories of high school, with all the joys and the pain. Still, being back in the small town brought comfort to the soul. Despite everything, I miss waking up to the rooster's crow and the scent of Mom's cooking (along with her occasional nagging to hurry up if we don't want to be late for school.) I miss walking home at dusk when I am not able to catch the company bus making its rounds and I lack the patience to wait for another. I miss working on crafts. I miss seeing familiar faces albeit the yearly drama that always seems to involve me. I miss the province along with what it has to offer and what it cannot. No matter how much I deny it, I miss home.

There is so much to write! Honestly, I could have gone on and on typing about what happened during that hiatus from school but there is also so much to do. By leaving for the break, I actually put off doing my CORE work for CSIW, the science camp for kids we are currently organizing. It's only a month from now and I really have to clutch. I do not want to settle for less. The kids deserve only the best. :)

I'll finish this workload (I was supposed to do it a while ago but I got stuck in the manual registration for one class. Talk about hassle and stress. ) and write more soon! But for now, I have to do that CSIW dance. Huhu so much for abandoning my dance career in grade school. Still, G!

Finals 2.0 Day 1

With tons of books to read, formulas to memorize, reagents and products to take note of, and mechanisms to familiarize, who has time for anything else?

ME, of course.

After "surviving" that two-hour ordeal with my frenemy, Org Chem, I do believe I deserve some kind of reward. And by that I mean,

• a pint of ice cream all for myself - because dear, everyone knows it is the ONLY way to heal a broken heart and because WHO WOULDN'T HAVE HER HEART BROKEN OVER BEING SO UNSURE OF ALMOST EVERYTHING? T^T

• a marathon of The Mummy Trilogy - because if I could just drop out of college, see the world and dig up ancient sites, I would! (Luke Ford can certainly melt the stress away. *sigh)

Isn't he dreamy? :') 

• chocolates snagged from the roommate's stash - don't worry, she offered :) (and I only got two!)

• scrolling through my Twitter feed - because no one ever goes through anything (especially this well-loved subject) alone

• texting the family - because there will be no other thing comforting than their words

I just wish to pass.
(of course, at the start of the sem, I promised I'd get those As! Who didn't?! BUT THE ODDS WERE ALWAYS AGAINST ME huhuhu)

Isn't that too much to ask for?

HUHUHUHU still keeping these fingers crossed for the best. 

and yes, I'M MAKING THAT BONUS QUIZ! 

Problem is, where are thou Photoshop skills? 

this is not my sem, not at all. Still, I've got to make it count. *sigh

UGH. THEO TOMORROW. LET'S MAKE THAT GRADE TO A B, OR BETTER YET AN A. WOOOOOH #self-support

Lost Stars

It's getting late, the world's falling into dreams

           Not I perhaps, my eyes still gleam

           For all that's lost and for what they're worth

           Simple tears or treasures in earth.

I do not know why but still I do

           I'll always find myself wishing for you

           The stars, they've aligned, but alas, not for me

           Not for you nor for us-- nothing of glee.

Oh, you seem so close, but still galaxies far away
          I never held your heart; you were never one to stay
          Your eyes look in mine but those glances were all it took
           For me to know I was not one for your books

I must, I know, let go but alas I could not
          You had me twisted in an unfathomable knot
           A girl can dream, yes but these dreams---
           They only last for so long, so it seems.

I can only wait, wish and hope once more
          That you'll come and knock on my door
          Asking for me to stay and I alone----
          What harm there is to dream and wish on stars
              that shine and have always shone?

I always told myself that it will not matter. I'll be fine seeing you walk into the room, holding someone else's hand. My heart will remain firm, drumming its steady beats in my chest. Then, I'll look at you and smile nonchalantly because I know deep inside that I have moved on just as you would have, too.

Then again, I was wrong.

I was foolish enough to believe that seeing you again will not trigger any memories from me. My heart broke. The smile faded. My calm demeanor slipped away as I saw you dancing with her, hand on the waist and eyes locked on her face.

Yet, you were happy. Shouldn't I be, too?

Oh yes, I will. I shall see happiness soon but now allow me to break. Give me time to heal. After all, it isn't easy seeing the person you once held dear in the arms of another.

But that's love. It might be painful but as long as you are happy, I shall find myself cheering for you.

It might not be now, but I tell you, soon I will be, too.

It's The Little Things

catching up

What kept me on my toes during the last two weeks of academic struggle and emotional stress:

1) Shooting that Chem commercial

After making our own soaps in the laboratory, it was time to put those marketing skills to a test. Well, if we don't make it in Health Sci, guess we could all go to the world of advertising :P

behind the scenes :P

2) Reaching out

Being in Health Sci always opens new doors and makes me see the world in a different perspective. Unlike the usual teaching stuff sophomores do for NSTP, we do profiling hoping that with our findings we can help build a more sustainable and healthy community. Our block has been assigned to Malanday, Marikina and we've gathered substantial information that might just be a key to providing better allocations for the community. 

For the year, I've partnered with Trisha and we've both been assigned the family of Ate Che. It was from her we've learned much about the community. She willingly shared much information, not even withholding her own sentiments about their current situation.

The rain will always have an effect on her. Still, we know that she, along with her family, has a resilient heart. During our last visit, we brought them some goods that would help ease their situation. Strong rains have just passed and we knew that their area was flooded because of the heavy downpour. Her reaction was priceless. Thank-you would have been enough but she even went out of the way to share a Coke with us.  She was even more concerned on how I've been managing my allowance (as she knows I am a scholar). We politely refused knowing that she could still sell them to help their finances, She just brushed them off and said, "Yan na lang ang mabibigay ko ulit. Salamat talaga masyado at naalala niyo pa kami." With that, we said goodbye, knowing we'd see them again soon.

3) Blockmates

Nica is always the sweetest. Gave me this cupcake after seeing all the stress
acads has been giving me.

This semester would have been a lot better without Org Chem. I've shed my tears over that lousy subject and I would like to say that I'm still holding on. Thank you, XX, for cheering me on despite those grades going downhill. Two more weeks (and a 70% on the finals) and I;m done with Org Chem! #push

4) Of muscles, bones and internal organs--- dissecting frogs in Zoology

Lab > Lecture

Sir Joson [!!!!] would always be one of the best professors ever,

Been skinning frogs with this bunch! Seeing that we're almost an all-girls group, Sir has been amazed to know we've skinned all our frogs in such a short span of time. Thank God for this group. Memorizing all those bones and muscles didn't prove to be so hard. 

5) Doing things for the first time in a long while

Ang ganda ko pa rin pls :P
love you Tricia and your photos

Proud to say I had the bravery to sing in front of a (small) crowd with just 3 hours of prep time. If it only weren't for Tricia, I would have never done it. =)))) Yes to taking those risks all for the love of the block! 

(c) Triciaaaa

We've also managed to keep everyone entertained with our antics. Seeing that there was nothing else to do, we acted as if we're in a talk show, hence the photos. :P (More of them when Tricia finally releases them through the page!) 

6) Getting through Tap Dance!

All the (hasty) choreography and late-afternoon practices paid off! One more PE left! :) You can check out our dance in this link. 

PS. I still believed we deserved a better grade. Oh well.

7) 14A App Process

Because we're no longer the babies of the org! :) Yes to welcoming new faces and new talents to this big family! :))

Wasting film haha jk Internal Affairs Committee! :) 

Long-awaited catch up session with 13B. Nest time, buong batch na pls :P

your empty words

I am not a princess,

I would never be.

In your eyes I might be perfect

but please, there isn't much to see.

Don't tell me I am pretty;

Please spare me of those lies.

I had enough of words,

Let no tears fall again from my eyes.

Once is enough,

I would not dare do the same

Never shall I trip again

with your perfectly phrased claims.

Please don't shower me with your words,

I might just make another mistake

of falling into your clever traps

and leaving my heart unguarded,

easy to manage, easy to break. 

it's Mom's turn!

Mom always remembers.

From the little things like making sure my brother and I don't switch sandwiches for recess because she knows I like mine toasted especially if it's cheese to the big stuff like everyone's birthdays and making sure that person enjoys their day, she never forgets. 

Well, today, we are ones to remember! It's her day! :) I might not be as selfless as she is but I do hope I'm getting at least halfway there. She is indeed an amazing woman. She could have been a very successful nurse, seeing that she's one of the best (well, where do you suppose we got our genes? :P), but she chose to stay and take care of us. She was there to guide us with our ABCs and arithmetic (Dad took over when algebra started :)) ). Hers was the face you see during times when my brother or I had to perform onstage. She was a phone call away when she could't come and see the spotlight shine on us (hello, national events hihi thank you LLCI *insert hearts*). Hers was the voice that assured me that I wasn't going to bleed to death when I had my first (Yes, I was overreacting but who didn't?) The point is, she never missed a scene, a defining moment, a milestone. 

She was always there and I could never ask for anyone better than Mom.

Thank you for showing me how to be an empowered woman.

You never settled for less. You fought for what you stood was right. You never let anyone dampen your spirit. Growing up, I saw that image in you. Thank you for always reminding me that it's okay to stand out as long as my feet remain rooted on the ground. :)

Thank you for wiping off the tears whenever they make their way across my cheeks.

Whenever I feel that the universe is conspiring against me, thank you for always being there. It might not always be sunny but you are there, with an umbrella at hand, ready to protect me from the rain.

Thank you for teaching me to take the risks and brave the unknown.

You always say, "Well, better do it now that regret it later. Who knows what doors can open for you, dear. Go. We will always support you." With those words, I found myself and thank you for allowing me to see the world in my eyes, with some cues from yours. :)

Thank you for tucking us in at night. 

Yours was the voice that assured us that no monster can ever be in sight. Even after all the hard day's work (and staying up all night to ensure that we never forget our multiplication and the different Philippine regions), thank you for those good night kisses to bid all those nightmares away.

Thank you for accepting us for who and what we truly are.

You never forced us to be fit in. You didn't care how different we can be.  Thank you for giving us the freedom to choose where we can be happy. 

Thank you for never giving up. 

Your patience is truly remarkable. Seeing how stubborn we can both be, thank you for choosing to stay. 

For the countless moments we've seen your support, thank you. 

Indeed, you are a proud stage mom and we would always love you for that.

No matter what happens, thank you for always being understanding.

Sometimes, it makes me wonder how you handle all the stress. We three can be quite a handful, too. Indeed, you are one superwoman and that just makes us prouder. 

Surely, there can never be no other Mom as amazing as you are.

Happy birthday Mom! I love you to the moon and back! Enjoy today! :)))))

PS. I got the idea from this Disney blog post! Still, the words are mine :)

how amazing you can ever be

   The heart is a fragile little thing. One careless move and it could break, break into millions of pieces that sometimes you can hardly put back in one piece. It would be a whirlwind of emotions and yes, it would hurt. But it would be worth while. It would be a time that you can look back into and be proud that you've taken the risk and survived to tell the tale. 

  However, you cannot just send yourself into the battlefield. You cannot just go rushing into the world despite your willingness to be that one who clears the cobwebs. Your heart needs to grow. It needs to equip itself with the  It takes time to be ready. It takes time to arm yourself to face the pain and joys of loving. It takes time to make yourself as whole as it can be before it starts being broken again.

   Be patient. It is all what it takes. Learn to wait. Learn to take things one step at a time. It can be a slow and tedious journey but it would pay off. 

   Don't get your hopes up high too fast. Take it easy. Do it as if you are climbing up a ladder, one rung at a time. It is okay to strive for something you want but don't exert yourself too much. You'll get there soon.

  Don't let your fears speak loudly. It's okay to be afraid just so you won't let them define you. We are all human after all and we constantly worry about the things that might come. Take it slow. You'll conquer those worries. Believe and you will.

   Mistakes happen. Don't be too hard on yourself. Trust that you will do better next time it happens. Trust that you learned from the experience.

   Fall but know how deep the fall can be. Don't go rushing blindly and plummet to your defeat. It is okay to find yourself with certain people who eventually run off and leave you hanging. There are always those kinds of people who know little about being there for somebody. Allow yourself to cry. Heal. Just don't stay that way. Pick up the pieces and hold your head high. Smile and believe that everything would be alright. Trust that it would be and the tides would soon roll itself on your favor.

 

  The thing is, you can be amazing. You can the pitter-patter on someone's closed window. You can be the sunshine on someone's cloudy day. You can be the cold, refreshing drink after that long, tedious run. You can be all sorts of things far greater than you can ever imagine but still you can be overlooked. You can stand over the rest but to others, you can be just the plain doughnut. But don't worry. Someday, someone would recognize that amazing person in you and that someone would be the one for keeps.

  But today, enjoy what life brings. Live today. Be brave in facing tomorrow and accepting yesterday. Move on but remember what everything taught you. Life is an adventure. Go and show the world the amazing, marvelous you. 

   

 

holding back

There are things that I wanted to tell you,
thoughts I have once buried deep
now can no longer be subdued
they are simply not mine to keep
and there are things you want to tell me
tucked in the small corner of your mind
I can sense within you a sea
of emotions and reason entwined

But somehow I got lost into translation
I kept my silence and you held yours
And I am left to wonder what if I took courage
what if I told you what I felt,
what I thought,
what I knew,
would I still be writing
all these metaphors of you?

Maybe I miss you. Maybe I don't.

Maybe I miss you. Maybe I don't. 

And boy, should you know that I am always tempted to 

make a call,

send you a simple text,

check your Facebook,

or even ask your friends

just to know how you are doing, how you are coping, how you are living life without us.

It broke my heart and it still does until now.

Yes, believe me, it did.

But I had to make that choice.

It was difficult, far more painful than you realize

but we both know it couldn't work,

couldn't stand,

couldn't go on.

I had my doubts. I had my own what-ifs

but I have to believe that this is the only way for us to grow.

There are days that I want to take it back,

Days when I longed for a text asking how my day went,

a call just to hear me on the other end,

a joke even how lame it sounded just so you know you made me smile.

But I have to be firm.

I cannot give what I do not have

and it would be selfish of me to keep you waiting.

Time-- it is one of the best things you can give to someone

and I am sorry I am in no position to give that away right now.

You might read this.

You might still be checking up on me.

I can only hope.

Still, right now, I wish for your happiness.

I wish that you remain steadfast in your choices.

I wish that despite all, life continues to bring you joy.

For now, I am holding on to the possibilities but I am okay. I know you are too. 

You will be, eventually, hopefully.

And I say goodbye to the phone calls.

I shall keep my distance

and sail along life just as I know you would.

Maybe someday we'll see each other along the way

and who knows we might be able to catch up with what we put off from way back.

But I could not tell.

Perhaps I never would.
I can only wait,
wait until all things fall into place
and I might be surprised just to see them
all in places I ever wished for them to be.

seeing the other side of the fence

What do you know?

I spent the whole afternoon asleep rather than studying org chem and practicing for tap dance like I said I would. Way to go for being productive. Not that I minded, though. I clearly could use more of those kind of naps. Sleep. I've really taken you for granted way back when I was younger and yes, I somehow regretted not listening to Mom and Grandma's advice. If only I slept back then the way I slept now, I would have been able to score much height. 

BUT THAT ISN'T WHY I AM WRITING TODAY.

You see, I met Jason Haw yesterday! :)

YES. 

I MET JASON HAW! :))))))

Okay. Background check:

Jason Haw was last year's Health Sciences Society's, my home organization's, president. He is brilliant (yes, just like any Health Sciences major is :P). Well, he is more than that to us actually. He is THE Jason Haw. He is the one we turn to when Org Chem spells disaster. He can answer almost anything you ask him about, may it be math, physiology, love, name it. He is always ready to give you a piece of his mind. Through his words and actions, you can always hear his love for public health. Clearly, through his magnificent transcript, he could get into any med school he preferred and right he did with a scholarship anyone can dream of (Well, I do.) He belonged to Ateneo School of Medicine and Public Health's Batch 2019. And you read that right. Past tense. Why? He dropped out. 

There you go. One night I read on Twitter that he was coming over and was open for individual consultations (IC). Luckily, he still had some time to meet me. :) I really wanted to know of his perspective because as far  as  my block goes, almost everyone is set out to go for med school. Well, me? I was wondering if I could do something else. I was hoping if I could do other stuff than prescribe the right medicine to cure the ill. Not that I do not want that kind of life. I've always wanted to become a doctor. (That was after I wanted to be a cashier, beauty queen, actress or a teacher but you know how we are as kids. Always undecided.)

After seeing partly how the public health situation in our country, after hearing stories of what can still be done, I thought maybe there are other ways I can serve than being a clinician. 

He talked. I listened. I told him of what I thought. He gave me a reassuring smile and said,

"You know what's the good thing and bad thing in our country's public health system? You've seen it. You've heard about it. We've still got a long way to go. Out there, basically, it's just like getting in a swamp. You know that there is so much to do and that is something we could all both be happy and distressed about. You see my point? All you have to do is get out there and apply what you learn. Our course, it provides you with almost everything you need. What you need to have is courage. You need to have the heart to take the risk. In the end, it would still be your choice. Don't worry, Ella. You still have two and half years to decide and I do hope you choose well."

Yes, I still have a long way to go and I do hope, in the end, I choose what makes me happy just as Jason did with his own. :)

expectations and surprises

I can finally breathe.

Well, somehow actually. 

I managed to survive today's second long test in Zoology and midterm exam in History. Supposedly, I only have one test today but since our professor moved our history midterms, I had no choice but to study Chinese dynasties and Japanese eras once more. Well, I didn't know we were having the long test for Zoology this week so I barely studied for it over the long weekend in which I had the much awaited date with worms, carbocations and the Mandate of Heaven. (Much for missing out the last weekend's staff training for the Summit. *tears*)

Oh well.

There is no turning back. My bags under my eyes are getting heavier each day and what else there is to do? This is the life and it would only get better (or worse) once I choose to go for med school *fingers crossed. Surprisingly, I was able to pull myself together and leave the bed just to go to class. How could I miss the test? With a few hours' worth of sleep and few last looks over the hand-written notes from the night before, I sought for the best.

I would never understand our Zoology professor. Her last exam was to die for that's why I did try to memorize everything posted on her slides albeit she never discussed most of them. Who could have ever guessed her next move?

"Class, today's examination will be open-notes! You can take a look at the notes you've taken in MY class. If you printed them out, then good for you! Just no iPads, iPhones, and the like! And did I mention, today you will also be working in groups? Okay. Good luck!"

Wow. So much for studying all night long, praying to God I won't fall asleep and miss anything from her four presentations, with slides ranging from 20 to 72. So much for going through notes all over, again and again. So much for cutting tap dance. So much for preparing so much that I actually left history on one corner saying to myself that I needed an A in this test.

What do you know? The test was mainly essay writing. Pick 4 out of the 6 questions. Explain. Argue thoroughly. Mention the marvels of the world.

Ugh.

As for history, my next and last period for the day, UGH again. I did not make a complete fool of myself. I actually managed to answer most of the questions. However, I must pinch myself for missing out on the details about Japan (my fault since I actually studied more for China huhuhu bad decision ever) and a few terms that are on the tip of the tongue (or the pen, to be more precise) but I couldn't manage to write down. I did go over my notes, knowing that this was how my professor gives out tests. (Thank you for the heads-up, upperclassman friends! )So much for studying the whole long weekend.

Parang pag-ibig. (It can be comparable to love.)

No matter how hard you prepare for it, no matter how many times you hear and witness it, nothing can ever compare to the real thing. It can take you aback, completely messing up with the notions you created so long ago. It can be exactly what you expected but still you would be left biting the dust as there is no way you can be prepared for the laughter and the tears. Still, it was something you would always look back to. It was something worth keeping. It was something worth the risk.



Oh well. Going back to the post lab, I promise.

Theo orals #1

I JUST FINISHED MY FIRST EVER THEO ORALS AND YES I MIGHT SEEM TO BE SHOUTING BUT JUST BECAUSE I AM SO GLAD IT WAS ALL OVER! :)))))))

I literally just got over my Th121 midterms and believe me, I am typing this as soon as I got my hands on the laptop with a working internet connection. Oh bear with me, dear Reader, might you be new to this blog since Blogger led you here or have been reading this already for some time now, redirected to my hugot and sawi late-night thoughts through my Facebook or Twitter feed.

But this isn't about getting those vibes again. This is about pure happiness on ticking one thing off that imaginary checklist (imaginary as I never got hold of the habit of writing it all down). Thank You, Lord, for waking me up just in time! You see, I basically pulled off another all-nighter to study for all those thesis statements. Believe me, I wasn't planning to but I fell asleep as soon as I got back from my last class the day before and woke up substantially 6 hours later. What choice do I have? I've managed from an overload of information (who wouldn't from cramming almost 8 weeks' worth of lecture?) but thank goodness I did remember some (and luckily, those were the important and relevant ones, too!) of the much needed information.

Donning a dress (yes, I might as well present myself nicely if I was going to fail) and clutching my laptop, I arrived at the department 30 minutes of my scheduled slot. Nevertheless, I knew I needed that time to compose myself. Still, who was I kidding? I was still jittery once I entered my professor's office. She asked me to pick a number and believe me, I was that near to shouting for joy when I thought I got statement #9. Wrong. It was a six and boy, those were ones I didn't really manage to internalize more. 

I buckled. I prattled. I had my own set of long, awkward pauses. Nevertheless, I think I explained what was needed. :)

"Well, Ella. I'll see you next week. Enjoy your holiday," quipped my professor as I managed to get through those ten minutes. She said so dearly with a smile and really,I thought, thank the heavens for Dr. Lambino. :)

I might not get an A but oh dear Lord, please let me get through a B, at least. :)))))

when it's time to let go

Sometimes, you love someone too much that not even reality can make you change your mind. Sometimes, even though the truth is hitting you right across the eye, it won't matter. You wouldn't listen. You wouldn't budge. What you hear, what you see, what you know wouldn't make a difference. Yours is a love true and firm. This person means the world to you and you would do everything in your power to be in your well-defined reality forever.

But what if it really wasn't meant to be?

You are hurting and everyone knows that. Yes, your heart is breaking, crushed into thousand little pieces. People have been talking about you. Their words pierce right through you. But you wouldn't. You just couldn't. 

How could you? It is her smile that brightens a day full of disappointments. It is one text from her that makes feel better. It is her concern that warms your heart. Those simple, random "Uy, kumain ka na ba?" and "Good night!" cannot fail to erase a frown on your face. When everything simply goes out of bound, one call from her assures you that it would all soon fall back into place.

Still, you cannot deny that it is all the same. The truth changed that and there is no turning back. Yes, yours might be a love without compare but right now isn't the right time. It isn't easy. It never is. It hurts but it would hurt more to stay.

You see, it takes a great deal of bravery to love but it takes more courage to let go and end the story. Nevertheless, time will heal the wounds. Time will take back all those broken pieces and make yourself whole again for another attempt to give, to share, to love. 

"Hindi sapat ang feelings"

It's another Monday for me and thank the heavens I got through it with a smile! :) My Mondays usually start at 12:30 but then, we had this social analysis discourse for NSTP so I had no choice but to leave the warm comfort of the bed. Oh well. It turned out to be a very disturbing and inspiring activity so it was not much of a big deal. (But this post isn't about NSTP nor about my area. I shall talk more about that soon but not now. Not in this post :) )

Since there was no point of heading back under the covers once more (the SAD (that's the acronym I made to pertain for the activity :P) ended at around 10 am and the sun was really out and about. I couldn't possibly regain the desire for sleep.), I decided to stay at the SEC C Foyer. You see, my cousin has headed this fund-raising project for the benefit of the kids in GK Cox. The project aims to raise sufficient amount of money to buy the kids books and other school supplies that would help supplement their education. Just in case you are an Atenean, feel free to drop by YFC-A's A+ Gallery and pledge any amount for the kids! :) 

Anyway, I promised my cousin I'd be supporting his project so it turned out I was spending most of my breaks in the foyer. Not that it was a chore. In fact, it was actually really fun and interesting especially when my Tatay (that's Kuya Ken Lee!) and Ate KD start talking about all these profound thoughts on love and their experiences regarding about such matters. :)

It was actually during one of my afternoon breaks when the conversation really started to get on the serious side. (Well, we were merely making up all these sawi stuff before and they were really just meant for fun) You see, Kuya Ken is in some kind of dilemma. Yes, it is some sort of romantic dilemma and he was asking for my cousin and my cousin's best friend for advice. It might seem weird why I know about this but you see, Kuya Ken asked me to listen throughout their conversation. I actually just sat there and listened. (I was actually live tweeting this a while ago and boom! A light bulb appeared right beside my right side brain! Yaay for another attempt on writing!) 

So basically, Kuya Ken said, 

 Natatakot ako. Alam kong feelings lang ang nagpapatakbo sa amin as of the moment. Paano na kung mawala ang feelings?

In which Kuya Abe replied with,

Sa pag-ibig, hindi sapat ang feelings. Commitment, pare. At isang choice yun! Yun ang nagpapatakbo sa relasyon. Kung wala yun, e di GG, pare. Pag nawala ang lahat, lahat ng feelings, yun, pare. Yun yung masakit. 

AND I WAS JUST RIGHT THERE BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM LISTENING WITH ALL THESE IN MIND.

In a relationship, feelings matter. Feelings take you on that roller coaster ride of kilig and blush-worthy moments. However, feelings can only take you that far. I have to side with Kuya Abe and yes, it is commitment that pushes you to take it on another level. It is what would keep you grounded when everything is in complete disarray and you no longer know where to start over. It is this thread that would help you trace what was lost from an round of raised voices just because of those little disappointments. It is what makes you stay after the long, rough, and bumpy roads. Most of all, it is what shall keep you going.

However, commitment is a choice. No one can ever make that leap for another even if that one is the one that holds your heart. She must be the one to take the risk, to say "Yes," and to face the fact that she has become vulnerable to pain. After all, I quote my cousin in this matter, "How shall you love when you don't open yourself to pain?"

 

doors and hearts

  Today was quite one of the ordinary. I slept with Org Chem in mind and woke up to find it greeting me from my bedside table. The day was filled with submission of papers and problem sets (which was later moved to Monday much to the dismay of my tired hands and drowsy eyes). Nevertheless, it's Friday and one could never frown upon its much-awaited arrival.

  Tired but happy from a day full of acads and org work, I got back in the safe haven of the dormitory, only to found out I was the first one to arrive. The door was locked and thank the heavens, the key was still with me. (You see, unfortunately, I have recently acquired that unfortunate habit of losing most of the important stuff.) Soon, one by one, my roommates started to arrive and the room was filled of the usual chitchat on classes, crushes, and those other moments one couldn't just keep to herself. 

  It might be a simple and usual scenario especially among dormers. Still, it took me a while to realize how doors are somehow similar to our hearts. Just like the one to my room as I mentioned a while ago, it can be opened with the help of the perfect key or it can remain closed, refusing to let anyone in. Sometimes, it only takes a gentle hand to coax it out. Other times, it can stay firm on its decision on never admitting anyone. Some might be painted in all those dashing colors of pastel pink, blue or yellow, as if trying to call the attention upon itself. Then, there are others which prefer the solitude, only acknowledging a presence once it tries to knock on the surface. Still, some can be easily opened while others need some time before finally taking the chance to let someone in.

  Doors are like hearts. In the end, you have the key. You have the option of taking and turning that knob. In the end, you have the choice of letting someone enter and make a difference in your life. 

  

relationships

1. I don't think there is such a thing as forever. Everything has its limits. Human as we are, there will come a point where the kilig, the mindless daydreaming, and the constant catching up end. Feelings are never constant. They are changing each time, in forms and depth. Still, loving is a choice. Forever is a choice. When the feelings wane, what makes you stay? 
2. In a relationship, one always loves while the other loves more. That's why it hurts. You open yourself to the possibility wherein you are the one that occupies the lower part of the seesaw. It might never be equal but still you took a chance. In the end, what matters is what was shared, not what was only given and received.
3. Love can hurt. It can be painful as you become more vulnerable when you give a part of yourself to somebody else. It is a risk that everyone who loves is willing to take. Still, it isn't the whole reality of love that hurts. It is the outright "No, after gathering the courage to confess, the break-up over a single phone call (or worse, a text message), the relentless hoping that a friendship might bloom to something more, the sight of that special someone in the arms of somebody else, the truth that you were just played along, the bitter loss of communication. It's all that. That's what hurts and honestly, that wasn't love. They were only parts of it but that was never love alone.
4. It takes time. There is no need to rush. It will come and when it does, it will knock on your doorstep.
5. When it does, take time to listen. It doesn't always come with a bang. Sometimes, it can only be as faint as the drizzle. That's why it's easy to miss it.
6. One can never love unless one can love himself first. After all, how can you give something that wasn't yours before?

the closed door

hi ella :)

  It was just that. Simple. Two words. A smiley. From an unknown number. 

  It was enough to trouble me. How on earth did this happen? My mind was trying to single out any person who could ever text in the middle of the night just to say hi. I found nothing. What I had in mind though were the reasons why this should not have happened:

• I don't give out my number to random passersby. In fact, I always have second thoughts whenever I share my contact details. 
• "What do you want?" - I wanted to reply but lo, I had no load to pester this unknown number for his/her identity. What made him/her text me anyway? I find no logical reason.
• I am simply me. Ordinary. Plain. Average on the current societal standards I am in. No reason to flirt (if it were exactly that) with me ever. 
• just a plain, big "WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY?"
• and of course, "WHO ON EARTH ARE YOU?"

   Incessantly curious I was, I waited till the end of the camp just so I could text this sender back. The stranger called some time but I never answered. S/he could always introduce him/herself through the more efficient and less expensive method: texting. After all, s/he started it. 

  

  Me: "hello. sino po ito?" ("hello, may I know who is this?")

  Number: ....

  Me: "hellooooo (?) how did you get my number? sino ito please?"

The reply only contained one letter, enough for me to find the answer to my mystery.

The stranger was no stranger, after all. He used to be a friend. Yes, used to be. We used to see each other a lot of times on campus. It was a small university compared to others, after all. Bumping into each other on the red brick road, we'd smiled even from afar. There were times he'd asked me to eat lunch or dinner together and of course, I'd say yes. We were friends. There was nothing more to it.

Well, that was what I thought.

Before, he used to joke around and proclaim he had a crush on me. Of course, I set it aside. There could nothing be between us. I only liked him as a friend and besides, being in a relationship is far from my list of priorities. At first I thought it was only because many people were already shipping us. 

It then turned out to be true.

He confessed and told me what he really felt for me. It was a sweet gesture nonetheless. Who would never appreciate being appreciated anyway? His words were, "I don't care if you don't like me back. All i know is that, I'll always like you no matter what. You annoy me sometimes but I'd rather spend every irritating moment with you rather than living a day without you." I tried to talk sense out of him but clearly it wasn't doing anything. I rejected him a lot of times on his face but he was persistent. I still have his letters and the mixtape he gave me for my birthday but no, I still didn't like him that way. What could I ever do to make it stop?

There was no other choice but to cut off all connections from him. I never replied to any of his text messages and I didn't respond to his calls. I deleted his number (thank the heavens I did not memorize his) and refused to see his posts on any form of social media. 

At first, the messages kept on coming. He kept calling.

And then, it all stopped. 

I thought that was the end but then here he goes again, knocking on the closed door. I try to be polite but I can't. I don't think I can. 

After all, I don't want to open it anymore. 

the lifeline

You know how I've been. If you have been dropping by my blog lately, you'd know how stressed I am with Org Chem, how I worry about not getting past that QPI, how I am not being on my best self. My past posts haven't been quite a ray of sunshine I hoped to be. Oh dear heavens, you know (well, most people do) that I'm never the kind of girl who sulks and grumbles. Still, I don't know. Maybe it was just the schoolwork. Maybe it was just not seeing the results I wanted. Nevertheless, I knew I needed a break. 

And luckily, I found one.

Chelsea (and okay, Kuya Lorenz, too) has been bugging me to join this camp. I was hesitant, of course. How could I go somewhere on a weekend when I know that I needed the time to catch up with the lessons? I've been lagging behind. Oh, heaven knows how I am faring with Org Chem. 

Yet, I found myself signing up for the camp. Maybe it was because of Chelsea and Kuya's persistence. It amazes me how I still went ahead with the decision, knowing that my other blockmates won't be there.  I might be an extrovert but I fear solitude as well. 

It turned out to be such an amazing experience. In such a short span of time, I've listened to such wonderful stories. I've known so many new faces, heard their stories, and connected with them. Most of all, I've reconnected with Him, the one I haven't been paying attention to for some time already.

My heart listened. My mind wandered and realized so many things I think I cannot express and put all into writing. It would take me forever but allow me to share a few. 

• Despite everything, He would always be there. He is in the good and the bad, the laughter and the tears, the hellos and goodbyes, and even in the shades of gray. Still, sometimes, we question where He could be, especially when things don't go along what we expect them to be. It can take time. It can take some effort but eventually, you will see where He is staying all along and you will realize you weren't looking thoroughly enough.
• Who said being with Him is easy? It takes commitment and that alone is something that is never easy. Why? Well, being committed to something or someone entails one to become vulnerable. You give you word. You put all your efforts for the thing you are truly dedicated to. In doing so, you give out a part of yourself in your words, deeds, and time. Commitment is such a heavy task and it's no wonder most of us are afraid to say yes. Still, allow yourself to explore, to wander, and to discover. Maybe, just maybe, you shall find what it is you are ready to give up the world for.
• Time is limited. Always offer the world the best version of yourself. You never know when it will be your end.
• We live in search for our happiness. It might take a while. It might take you on a journey of crossroads and a dozen of setbacks. The roads are never easy. Still, in the end, you shall be the one to discover your true happiness. 

It was a weekend well spent. :) Indeed, thank you YFC-Ateneo for the wonderful experience. I shan't say more. I do not want to spoil the next set of campers of their fair share of realizations and experience. 

Well, what a way to kickstart my August! I must say, it is a choice I never and will never regret making :)